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 A Factor In Suicide And Related Problems

Save-The-World Factor: Part 1 Notes 27-45

Part 1 Text & Notes 1-26

Notes:

Note 27: My French Canadian culture is especially guilty with respect to what the residential school system inflicted on Native children. WE were struggling for our own cultural survival very intimately linked to maintaining our language and religion, and sayings like "Who loses his language loses his faith" revealed important self-knowledge. The outcome was spiritual death: the death of one's soul, or "eternal" death perceived to be much worst than one's biological death. It was the same knowledge, however, that WE used against Native people. The hope was that OUR work to prevent Native children from learning their languages would essentially destroy their cultures, and especially their related/interwoven religions deemed by most Christians to be evil. We were therefore doing to others what WE knew would destroy US, if the same thing had been done to US. WE were also again manifesting a highly lethal perverted form of altruism, as Christians have had a history of doing; the Inquisition is an example of the perversion at its worst. Individuals (mostly women) were burned alive because they were believed to be agents of Satan (or witches) and killing them in a highly painful way (often after having been tortured) produced two positive results. They would sin no more, thus increasing their chances for salvation, which was also helped by their painful deaths serving as atonement for their evil ways. A study of the Inquisition information produced an interesting conclusion: it represents the first time that a major implementation of "snuff pornography" was endeavored into by men also manifesting a general hatred for women deemed to be "lesser-than-men" human beings. The "pornographic" reality of the Inquisition becomes apparent once it is realized that all sexual acts these women were accused of doing - such as performing oral sex on the devil and being vaginally and/or anally penetrated by him - were really a product of men's fertile "sexual" imagination. Some women were also tortured and murdered supposedly because they had appeared in men's [sexual] dreams, thus causing these men to commit sexual sins. At the time, such visitation were the proof that a woman was an agent of the evil (and very sexual) devil. Up to recently, heterosexual males did not take responsibility for their sexual natures. They have had a long history of punishing prostitutes for making themselves sexually available and thus causing many men to commit sexual sins. Men also developed courts of law which did everything imaginable to blame raped women for what a man or a group of them did (had to do) to these women - which was apparently not their fault - just like their former rampant use prostitutes (applies to about 70% of men when Kinsey (1948) did his research) was also not their fault. Therefore, heterosexual males who used prostitutes were rarely arrested, as opposed to the prostitutes who were regularly arrested for their crimes. Men also have a history of blaming their wives if they had to be assaulted, including being "slapped now and then," as I heard some men say, "to keep her in her [inferior-to-male] place."

Note 28: The history of shamans (once called "witch doctors," but most often called "berdache" because they were gender nonconformable males) is intriguing, and information about these highly respected spiritual leaders in North American Native cultures has been available since the turn of the century (e.g. Sexual Inversion by Havelock Ellis, 1896). Information related to them is given in The Spirit and the Flesh: Sexual Diversity in American Indian Culture by WL Williams (Beacon Press, Boston, 1982/89). R-J Green (1996) summarizes the information supplied by Williams: "By contrast [to the abusive and punitive responses in white cultures], in many Native American tribes, gay men often occupy a unique and valued gender role called "berdache"... The homosexuality of the berdache is viewed simply as one manifestation of the individuals more encompassing basic nature or "spirit," which includes altruism, spiritual insight, and androgyny as interrelated elements ... [They also] play a pivotal role in the evolution of humanity and have "double-vision" or the gift of prophecy." (Why ask, why tell? Teaching and learning about lesbians and gays in Family Therapy, Family Process, 39, 1996, p. 394.)

Note 29: The common belief that child sexual abuse is responsible for creating child sex abusers may not be true. In fact, this possible "myth" may be the result of what I have begun to label as the "folie a deux" often occurring in therapeutic situations. In the 1990 paper, Does sexual abuse in childhood cause pedophilia: an exploratory study (Archives of Sexual Behavior, 19(6), 557-568), Freund K. et al. present data which indicate that "in a therapeutic climate where professionals tend to subscribe to the theory that pedophilia is caused by earlier sexual abuse of the offender himself, some offender could fabricate such an event as an excuse for their erotic attraction to children." The investigation of pedophiles carried out by Freund et al. produced data "suggest[ing] that the claim of having been molested in childhood is connected [not so much with being a pedophile, but] with admitting to an erotic interest in children." Furthermore, the study result that child sexual abuse was reported by 10% of nonpedophiles studied (the control group) and 30% of pedophiles (with about half maybe lying about having been sexually abused as a child) also has important implications. Even if none of the pedophiles were lying about their reported childhood sexual abuse, the belief that child sexual abuse causes pedophilia is not strongly supported given that 70% of the pedophiles did not report a history of having been sexually abused. The cumulating information obtained on the subject suggests that pedophilia is developmental, and that the reason why it is not understood is linked to the same professional shortcomings which have also resulted in the continued non-understanding of what causes the more common (nonpedophile) forms of human sexuality: the heterosexualities and the now more acceptable homosexualities (once deemed "pathological" and "criminal") involving postpuberty individuals sexually interacting with each other. Anyone truly concerned about child sexual abuse should be warned about child-sexual-abuse groups propagating the "cycle" belief, as one group does in Calgary. These groups are often over-populated by self-proclaimed "survivors of child sexual abuse" who could only affirm the "cycle" theory if it also applies (or applied) to them. In other words, they have (or have had) related desires - probably suppressed/repressed/denied as the result of the therapeutic process and an associated collective delusion. Therefore, their "war" against child sexual abusers may be nothing more that a "projection" war against the ones doing what they would like to do. One "Alberta" result of their war has been that fewer sexual abusers of children will seek help, thus aggravating the problem and also assuring the on-going production of like-minded people who will form ever-increasing groups of "survivors of child sexual abuse" who may be even greater victims of the therapeutic process. This situation also greatly benefits the so-called experts and therapist in the ever-expanding "child sexual abuse" industry.

Note 30: Revealing the save the world part of Self to anyone would be much more feared - and much more dangerous - than revealing one's homosexual orientation; the former is more taboo and will therefore be more stigmatized. Gay youth who attempt suicide have often withheld sexual orientation information from intervening mental health professionals, and I would estimate that withholding information revealing a save the world attribute (with related mandates) is the rule. The withholding of sexual orientation information by male youth suicide attempters was, in part, the cause of mental health professionals and suicidologists not recognizing that "having a homosexual orientation" in a highly homophobic society was implicated in serious youth suicide problems; more than half (62.5%) of the male youth suicide attempters are homosexually oriented. In 1994, a letter from the Director of Calgary's Suicide Information and Education Centre informed me, in no uncertain terms, that I was the only one who recognized this factor to be associated with youth suicidal problems. This is not quite true for North America, but it was true for Alberta, and maybe Canada. I will now be waiting to see what the responses will be to the save the world factor in the suicide problem; it may be more significant in suicides than it is in the attempted suicide problem (but has not yet been recognized by mainstream professionals). Nonetheless, some of the more exceptional individuals in our society, such as Darlene Walker, recognized the factor in the most serious Native youth suicide problems and in other related major youth problems such as drug and/or alcohol abuse, depression, suicide attempts, etc.. The discovery also occurred because she made it possible for young clients to reveal the truth about their inner realities, which is a "grounded theory" approach increasingly being used in social work research (Note 30a). Fortunately, her clients did not have do what is commonly done to receive help from formally trained therapists. Clients are often led into fabricating the causal realities therapists believe in and have been trained to address, thus making many therapeutic encounters quite useless. Such expensive and potentially lethal therapy, however, is nothing more than a "folie a deux" only benefiting the therapist's bank account. Tragically, much of the therapy now inflicted on child sexual abuse victims appears to be in this harmful category, and it will be especially harmful for save the world individuals. The affected ones are generally guarded about this attribute of Self and they will probably not reveal its existence to most therapist not yet educated about the phenomenon. Save the world individuals, however, may be revealing this aspect of Self in jesting ways, as I was doing by the mid-1970s. This was also the case for a 17-year-old Calgary male who committed suicide in 1995, as reported to me by his mother. After mentioning the attribute to be a factor in suicide, she confirmed its existence - so well known that it was commonly joked about in the family. Perceiving himself to be "a knight on a white horse who had to save the world" was his life metaphor, but the factor was not recognized to be implicated in his death, especially because no one appears to have recognized (and especially understood) the phenomenon, its link to suicide and other major problems, and especially its implication for all of US.

Note 30a: A friend of mine wrote the following about "grounded theory" in his 1997 doctoral thesis proposal: "Grounded theory was developed as a method of inductively generating theory from data in order to counter what its creators saw as "the embarrassing gap between theory and empirical research" (Glasser and Strauss, 1967, VII). In their Original work, Glasser and Strauss discovered how categories of meaning related to dying emerged from the study of interviews with medical staff treating terminally ill patients. The concepts that manifested themselves were seen as thus being "grounded" in the data rather than being imposed by theory. Grounded theory has been chosen for the [doctoral thesis] study because the method respects subjective meaning of people's experiences." (The discovery of grounded theory: strategies for qualitative research by B. Glassner and H, Strauss, Aldine, Chicago, 1967.) Using the "grounded theory" approach in therapy would involve listening to the client and permitting the individual to reveal all about Self. My street work repeatedly revealed that therapists had failed gay/bisexual clients, mostly as the result of clients having withheld important information - for which the therapist is to blame. On the basis of this information I finally produced the "golden rule" all therapists should know. When first meeting a client, he/she should be advised that the solution/resolution to problems will be sought and that the time may come when information is being withheld by the client. The client should be told at the beginning that the withheld information would be the most important to address, but that the therapist may not be the one with whom the client may want to do this. The therapist approves of this, noting that therapists are not gods, but also noting that he/she has helped clients with all imaginable problems. The importance of the withheld information is again emphasized, possibly ending with something like: "If you feel you cannot reveal this information to me, I accept that, but make sure you find someone with whom you can share the information and begin addressing related issues." As one gay male told me about his sexual abuse at the age of 9 years resulting in a trial and the conviction of the man: "It was not the sex experienced with the man which was a problem. It was that he had said "I love you." He knew this was not true.

Note 31: The American painter/photographer/writer, David Wojnarowicz, "would think he was Jean Genet (p. 79)," and he was familiar with Satre's book Saint Genet; one of his 1990 paintings features Genet with a saint's halo in the foreground of a religious setting (p. 79). Both individuals had sex with older males and men at a young age (producing both positive and negative experiences) but Wojnarowicz did not, to the surprise of many, end up in prison as Genet did. "Reading his autobiographical chronology in the 'Tongues of Flame' exhibition catalog, it seems incredible that Wojnarowicz was neither killed nor jailed (p.18)." At a young age, he had "[run] away from home, lived on the streets, dropped out of high school, stole, used drugs, and hustled (p. 36)." As a socially defined "criminal" - a situation still existing for homosexually active males in almost half of the American states - he had learned much about US, with predictable emotional results: "I've been in rage all my life with this thing we call 'society' (p. 67)." This aspect of Self was embodied in his earliest artistic work which incorporated the Nineteenth Century homosexual French poête maudit, Arthur Rimbaud. He was known for his (Jesus-like) attribute commonly manifested by some individuals deemed to be seriously mentally disordered: "the revolt of a[n apparently] maladjusted person against a society he regards as shameful, and on which he piles every anathema he can think of (p. 9)." While doing a degree in French, the professor of my Nineteenth Century Literature course introduced the section on Rimbaud by noting that I would like him given our similarities, but I later evened the score by writing a term essay on her favorite heterosexual author, Victor Hugo who was still frequenting prostitutes in his eighties. He had revolted against the Roman Catholic Church in mid-life when his daughter died and paid for his irreverence by seeing his work censored. I analysed his revolt to have been the result of an incestuous desire for his daughter, which in turn, was a central factor in his development as the great French literary figure of the Nineteenth Century. The professor was greatly offended by this, as emphasized by reporting that the idea had caused the hair to rise on her head, thus explaining the low mark: 65%. I then argued that the negative emotional effect on her - simply because her beliefs had been challenged - should not be punished with a low mark, and that I should be rewarded instead. Reluctantly, she became more "objective" and changed grade to 75%, but it should have been much higher (Note 31a). Highly taboo sexual realities also dominated in David Wojnarowicz's mind (reflected in his enjoyment of anonymous sex with men beginning by the age of 9), and sex also dominated his art to a level deemed by some critics and friends to be "excessive," especially because "it embodies the sexuality from his childhood...(p. 81)." David Wojnarowicz was a Jesus who, although claiming to be "no Jesus (P.62 )," nonetheless identified with Genet, the saint. He had therefore recognised his own sainthood status, probably related to having been a "visual thinker" since early childhood with predictable results. "Even as a child, people would act like I was morose or weird (p. 61)" because most people cannot understand right-brain kids, and they are especially unable to understand "visual" renditions of coping mechanisms such as the one Wojnarowicz describes. "I am angry about feeling all this outside pressure that demands that I feel guilty or afraid. The only way that I can stop that sense is to surround myself with that fear and get to understand its shape. And once I know its shape, then it can't affect me (p. 61)." Fear has shape? A "shape" which can also be understood? Surely, many have been committed to a mental asylum - or to a regimen of anti-visual/feelings drugs - for less. Wojnarowicz was often described to be "childlike," as he also described himself to be in association with important concepts greatly troubling philosophers (such as the concept of "free will" being negated in a deterministic universe), the concept of one's mind being like "a piece of machinery" which greatly troubled "X" before his suicide, the concept of returning to being a child (or somehow having remained as such) recommended by Jesus and also by Socrates (who emphasized the questioning of everything, especially the attitudes/beliefs resulting from one's socialization), the concept of "anomie" Emile Durkheim reported to be implicated in suicide, and the fact that each individual is a product of history: civilization. "I'm a robotic kid with caucasion kid programming trying to short-circuit the sensory disks. I'm the robotic kid looking through digital eyes past the windshield into the pre-invented world. I'm the robotic kid lost for a fraction of evolutionary time in the outskirts of tribal boundaries; I've slipped through the keyhole of an enormous psychic erector set of a child civilization. I'm the robotic kid lost from the blind eye of government and wandering edges of computerized landscape; all civilization is turning like one huge gear in my forehead (p. 69)." Neither Wojnarowicz nor "X", however, were machines, and Wojnarowicz's great humanity (including a great concern for the welfare of animals) was made possible by a number of factors, including a visual intelligence few can understand, and by his retention/development of an inner (highly evolved childlike) value system causing him to manifest an "apocalyptic" (p. 18) prophet-like anti-society "out-rage" persona/attribute (p. 9) intimately associated with being "concerned about other people (p. 74)." The intense hatred/rage he directed at "society" embodied the message: The world is as I have described it. It is morbid and murderous, and the status quo cannot continue. The world must change. The world must be saved. Maybe it can be saved. There is therefore an "amazing balance" that save the word kids must fight to maintain between their "profound sense of hope" (in humanity and in the future, which serves to keep them alive no matter what their suffering may be) and their apparently "extreme dark side (p. 35)": a death-wish-inducing pessimism described to be "a line existing between [me] and self-destruction," the individual "standing on one foot, with one foot over the line (p. 61)." "[Wojnarowicz] was capable of extreme compassion (p. 12) and was also "like a priest is supposed to be. He is what Catholic doctrine is supposed to be about. That's really what he was like (P. 75)." More about Wojnarowicz is given in Part 2.
(All quotations specified by page numbers are from David Wojnarowicz: brush fires in the social landscape, Aperture Foundation, Inc., 1994. The book is a collection of writings about Wojnarowicz and his art by writers, artists, and others who knew him. The pieces often contain many quotations from Wojnarowicz; one is an interview with him. Books by Wojnarowicz are: Close to the knives: a memoir of disintegration, Vintage Books, NY., 1990, Memories that smell like gasoline, Artspace Books, 1992, and Tongues of flame edited by Barry Blinderman, exhibition catalog, Normal, ILL, University Galleries of Illinois State University, 1990. These references were taken from the bibliography supplied in Passenger on a shadow by Lucy R. Lippard in David Wojnarowicz: bush fires in the social landscape cited above, pp. 6-25. References for the concept of "lycanthropy" as related to Arthur Rimbaud are also given.)

Note 31a: I also got into trouble with the professor teaching Seventeenth Century Literature, mostly because I greatly identified with the highly intellectual Pierre Pascal who had summarised in one paragraph what B. F. Skinner had taken books to do. Near the end of the course, I used my interpretation of Pascal to challenge something the professor had told us (his students) at the beginning of the year: we were to do our own thinking! I had responded accordingly and my Pascal "world view" was diametrically opposed to his, for which I could pay expensively. I explained this, with the other students present, in the following manner, after recalling what he had told us: "If I answer an exam question about Pascal - based on your world view, you will understand. But, I did much work on Pascal and my world view of him is the opposite of yours, meaning that - if I answer the question from my world view, you will not understand given that you don't know its context, and I will end up failing. So, next year, do not tell your students that you really want them to do their own original thinking because, if they do and their thinking results are not similar to yours, they will risk failing your course." As usual, he was greatly troubled by my responses which had caused some students to repeatedly warned me about the dangers; they firmly believed he hated me and that I would probably fail if I continued. Later, however, another professor reported, to my astonishment, that the professor perceived me to be his favorite student, but could not afford to make this apparent in the classroom. A few years later, I had similar experiences when I was taking Modern Dance courses at the University of Alberta. I wrote an analytical piece on a Danny Grossman performance and a female professor gave me a "65%" grade, stating that I had "read too much" into the dance pieces. About ten years later, I read an interview with Danny Grossman who reported having been doing exactly what I had accused him of doing and paid the price. Some individuals - most professors in universities (including a significant number in the more visual arts) - are, at least consciously, visually illiterate. In the same year, I was also challenging a professor teaching a course in art. I had produced a depiction of a mouse approaching a trap containing a piece of cheese adorned with the word "LOVE." I had also made sure the depiction did not contained anything positive because the "message" - made wholly "human" by the word on the cheese - was important: WE use the same basic process to murder (socialize) all children - and this fact should not be depicted in a way producing any positive response, including one of socially defined "artistic merit." Unfortunately, he did not understand the messages being rendered, and especially the one related to individuals - such as himself - who pride themselves in apparently being able to define what is or is not "ART." The price paid for by student committing such irreverent acts, however, is high, as is the price for all acts challenging teachers. In high school, one of my teachers had incorrectly assumed that I was not listening to him (because I have always been capable of "multitasking," and he asked me to leave the classroom. I did after replying: "I'll be glad to." The resulting detention consisted of writing umpteen times: "I will not be bold in class" and I was also expelled from his class for two weeks. My response was to return to class with an unwelcome but not punishable "message" made possible by completing twice the work completed by fellow students in his class. I also began to increase the number of days I would not attend school, but I still produced honors results on my matriculation exams. Attempts to break me were never responded to in a way that anyone could claim success. For example, after repeatedly being warned to get a haircut, I was sent to the principal on a Monday morning and was told to get that haircut immediately and then return to school (given that I had a car). I left, happily knowing the barbershops were not open on Monday, and only returned on Tuesday afternoon to worried school administrators. I explained the situation and thanked them for being able to miss 1.5 days of school without needing a note from my mother. My response to the first day of school in Grade 1 was to escape, returning home and emotionally asserting to my mother - who was washing clothes at the time - that I was not going to school. My life had begun by crying - the only tool available to me at the time - with an objective in mind. They were not going to do what even dogs, cats, and mammals "without conscience" did not even think of doing to their newborn offspring because of their apparently evil or lowly "animal" instincts (historically demonized as a projection of ourselves onto animals) so often used to explain the more morbid aspects of humanity. These mammals did not sensually deprive their offspring by placing them in a crib! They could not "break" me (earning me the often noted attribute of having cried for the first nine months of life), and I therefore got what I innately wanted and needed: sleeping with a "significant other," who was either the maid (my 16-year-old second cousin, now my aunt who had come to work in my home), or my mother. To this day my aunt has not understood why I had also revolted so much when it came to toilet training, as many boys do. I did not want to be deprived of the sex I had enjoyed so much - when my genitals and ass were cleaned after having made super messes - by doing it in the pot which precluded such rewards. I soon learned, however, that there were alternative superior forms of sexual enjoyment than the one imposed on me since birth. Much remain to be written about this period of life which may shed considerable light on the "sexual" facts of childhood most psychologists/psychiatrists have remained blind to, mostly because it would not only unmask the lethal effects of the traditional socialization processes on the child, but also unmask the equally lethal role these professionals still play in society.

Note 32: The postulated association would only apply when sexual experiences with a man are responded to positively by the boy, and he is living in cultures manifesting western ideologies. It could apply in other cultures but I leave this to speculation due to a lack of study. In Classical Greece many boys would have sexually related with men before the age of 17, but the results would be different than the ones proposed here. Greek boys would have never responded with homophobic "trauma" when recognizing their attraction for men, or when encountering men attracted to them. Instead, they would have likely responded with self-esteem devastation if older males did not find them desirable. In the 1984 book "Ritualized homosexuality in Melanesia" edited by Gilbert Herdt, a most interesting social construction of heterosexuality is articulated. From the age of 8 to 12 years onward, boys will be orally or anally injected with sperm by older males (via their penises) because these boys are growing up in cultures where it is believed that multiple sperm injections into boys are needed if they are to develop into the ideal males of the culture: very self-confident macho men manifesting high self esteem who will marry women and produce children. This knowledge therefore reveals that boys receiving sperm injections in these cultures experience high self esteem, while the same thing done to boys in North America is said to produce the opposite result (but not always as the available research indicates). This information therefore suggest that the negatives effects of what is called "child sexual abuse" in western cultures may often be not so much the result of the sexual activity experienced, but the result of related beliefs or concepts acquired through social indoctrination. The available information indicates that many negative results of boys being sexually abused - such as being distressed because they enjoyed what happened, but only because they now suspect that they are gay or bisexual, is more result of society's homophobia than the experience itself, and this socially taught/learned homophobia is also implicated in the suicide problems of adolescent gay boys who were not sexually abused. If what we label "child sexual abuse" causes great problems related to low self-esteem in our culture, while the same thing causes high self-esteem in another culture, the results may therefore be social constructs, much like the exceptionally high self-esteem of all boys accepted into SS training in Nazi Germany was also a social construct.

Note 32a: Some of the Available Research:

Reiss AJ (1961) The social integration of peers and queers. Social Problems, 9(2), 1961, 102-21.

Sandfort (1984), Sex in pedophilic relationships: an empirical investigation among a non-representative group of boys. Journal of Sex Research, Vol. 20(2), 123-42)

Okami, P. (1991) Self-reports of "positive" childhood and adolescent sexual contacts with older persons: an exploratory study. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 20(5), pp. 437-57.)

Schmitt A. and Sofer A. Eds. (1992) Sexuality and eroticism among males in Moslem Societies, Harrington Park Press, N.Y.

Sandfort TGM, Brongersma E, and van Naersson AX. (1991) Male intergenerational intimacy. Harrington Park Press, NY. Also published in the Journal of Homosexuality, 20(1/2).

Jay K, and Young A. (1979) The Gay Report, Summit Books, NY.

West DJ., and de Villiers B. (1993) Male Prostitution. Harrington Park Press, NY.

Note 33: By June 1997, I had made contact with a most interesting individual via the Internet and he had cited a "meaningful" quotation: "No good deed goes unpunished." This is the altruist's great problem intimately related to having an advanced value system not understood by those toward whom good deeds are directed. He later explained the importance of the quotation: "Yeah, this quote is the story of my life. Altruistic acts always seem to elicit negative responses from those who have a vested interest in keeping society in a neurotic state." This items, as well as others, revealed that he was in serious trouble, and certain questions were asked, his replies being: "I've been interested in christs for some time now. I think I may even have had a Christ complex of sorts myself for a while. But, not anymore. I was once excessively altruistic. But, I control my altruism now, not the other way around - healthier for me this way, if not the world." Concerning his wishes he first reported to have given up on: "Attempting to reorganize society along the lines more harmonious with both nature and other people" which was later qualified. "I haven't really aborted the mission - I think I just lost faith in bringing this about anytime soon." "I do not want to actually be normal." This kid - also having a major "free will" issue to resolve - is obviously in trouble, and he has now been diagnosed to have "a major depressive disorder" for which "Zoloft" has been prescribed. The communication with him will hopefully continue because WE may lose yet another save the world kid.

Note 34: We are sexual - capable of enjoying sexual interactions - from birth, and boys experience enjoyable erections even before they are born. Unfortunately, the reality that children are sexual, sexually curious, and may be sexually adventurous, is often denied. I have been sexual ever since I can remember, and I have never been what is called "innocent" when it came to sexual endeavors, but I was lacking in knowledge as a child because the ignorance was socially imposed. Children are also experts at producing what parents may want, especially if it will permit them to be absolved for endeavoring in disapproved activities, such as sex. Children nonetheless seek solutions to problems which, often enough for sexual issues, may be resolved after a trip to the doctor. A child who wishes to get into another's pants may then say, when caught doing this, "I was only playing doctor!" Because it has been acceptable for the child to play "fireman" and other roles, innocence is feigned. Usually the parent knows better, but a game of deceit is being played out by both parties, as the parent probably remembers that she/he had done the same thing as a child. Parents reporting that sex play is occurring in the house often note that a peculiar silence is heard, which also reveals that children are not all that innocent concerning their sexual desires/endeavors.

Note 35: By the age of 21 (1971), some "challenging" university students and I were asking important questions and we produced answers such as: "Less that 5% of students are here primarily because they enjoy and love learning, and have not lost the fascination with the world/universe they innately had and manifested as a child.

Note 36: Professors are generally conservative and do not like to have their beliefs challenged, and especially not seriously challenged and completely revised. As a rule, students who wish to enter graduate schools need good grades and the approval of professors. While doing their master's degree, if they want to enter a doctoral program, the same applies. By the time they are in a doctoral program, little originality of thought may remain; this caused one professor I was challenging with interesting new radical concepts to say with some sadness: "I do not have one graduate student who has an original idea." I replied with an explanation of why this was so, which also explained my avoidance of universities given the abuse I would certainly receive in such environments. Tackling new concepts is difficult enough without being in an environment where the knowledge of what I am seeking to understand - which always threatens established beliefs - would lead to abuse, shunning, or worse.

Note 37: I experienced two dangerous "time out" period as the results of drugs. While I was in the hospital, I was given morphine which sets ups a wall-like situation in the brain, with "I" being on one side, and the pain with another part of "me" being on the other side. This was not good because it happened at a time when I had been using alcohol to access and have "all of ME" available; the alcohol also provided the anaesthetic needed to cope with this situation. During this "morphine" period, I felt the most suicidal, not yet understanding how this missing inner part of my psyche worked and why. The next time I felt I could have kill myself quite easily was caused by the Prozac a doctor prescribed; it somehow removed the objector to suicide (probably related to the Id) which counters the socially induced wish to die. In this situation I felt good about now being able to go (without the highly problematic debates) and was not about to tell anyone of the situation, not even my therapists. The observer, however, knew the situation was drug-induced, and another factors came into play: "If you kill yourself, it will be because of the drug, thus nullifying any altruistic motive and therefore the value of your death. Furthermore, you will have to reveal the effects of this drug on some people because, if you don't, you will then die knowing you are responsible for related deaths." I then advised my doctor about the effects of Prozac, only to return to a hell I would not wish on anyone: attempting to survive while living up to the inner mandates, and never knowing when I will have to go.

Note 38: One great fear has been that "IT" would abandon me if I ever behaved in violation of certain rules, such as personally benefiting (in materialistic terms) from the understanding "IT" made possible. Knowledge and understanding should be available to everyone, free of charge. How could WE ever profess to care about someone - anyone - if WE charge for helping him/her? How then are the ones in my situation ever to survive, in a social sense, if the restriction applies? This problem is in the "must be addressed" category but, as with similar issues, a low priority applies. "I", in the social sense, am irrelevant, or almost irrelevant; this is not the nicest feeling in the world. "I", the one who sleeps, feels more like a guest in a system I once thought to be ME, and no one is available with whom I can discuss the major problems. Not much has ever been negotiable with "IT". Ethical problems abound. The fear is ever-present, however, that "my abilities" may, one day, not be available. Such an outcome would be a more deadly fate than whatever has been inflicted/experienced to date.

Note 39: I had an interesting experience with respect to knowing something without seeing it, as accomplished by studying the bedrock in a land area and detecting/understanding relationships. When I returned to geology after ending my teaching career, I quickly (within six months of being hired) distinguished myself by studying a site and then setting up the diamond drill to verify my informed conclusion. If there was another ore body in the area, it was located outside the mine grid and under a small lake. The Chief geologist, Dr. Eckart Buhlmann, had granted me the choice of where the first drillhole in the exploration season would be placed and, although skeptical, he approved the decision. An ore intersection resulted and, within a year, the ore body was being mined. Later, we talked about many human realities, including the 4-D visual psychological ability Albert Einstein had manifested. I have often wondered if Einstein ever considered the possibility that, with respect to the next major discovery to be made about the time/space universe, something related to the human brain will be discovered which has universe-implications.

Note 40: The idea that nothing "wrong" is happening in the universe may trouble certain people, especially moralists. If there is anything "wrong" happening in the universe, it would only apply to life forms who have acquired our psychological abilities. Discussing this would be lengthy, only noting here that anything "wrong" may one day be defined as behaving in violation of knowledge and understanding. In the evolution of the universe, nothing "wrong" has ever happened, and the same applies for our biological evolution on this planet. There appears to be universal laws, however, which apply to thinking knowledge-seeing, understanding-producing, and self-conscious beings such as ourselves, and the associated altruism may also be law-related. More on this later.

Note 41: After studying the intellectual development which had occurred in Classical Greece, I was quite angry with the results; this especially includes Christianity's proscription against seeking the understanding of all things in the universe. As I saw it, if detrimental events had not occurred, knowledge and understanding levels acquired 100 years ago would have certainly occurred by Jesus' time. I would therefore be living at a "knowledge and understanding" era 2000 years in the future, and would not be suffering the lethal ignorance of our time. Hence, my repeated request:"Can I go now?" This perception resulted in a study of history from a very different perspective. The objective was to understand what had screwed up, who was involved, and why. I also wondered if Jesus maybe knew what would be the result of his intervention for the next 2000 years. If he did know, as we now know given the 20/20 nature of hindsight, it could explain why he was sweating blood in the garden, just before he was arrested (Luke 22: 44). He did not want to do what apparently was upcoming but, as he states, he was under orders and was obeying someone else.

Note 42: A part of the understanding endeavors involved the study of religions and major religious figures, especially in Judeo-Christian history. Studying what people have believed (and believe) supplies insights into their minds, especially clues related to hidden content as Freud had also recognized. The most common "Jesus" interpretation is that he came "to save the world" and that the job was apparently completed; the implication are that "save the world kids" are not needed anymore, but this is not quite true given that Jesus requested that WE be as he was. In an interesting way, "Jesus" was made into "the one" permitting US to tell any stray - not yet fully assimilated - "save the world" kid: "There's already someone who came to do that. The job is done. You don't need to do it. Now let us socialize you so that you will become just like US, and as morbid and lethal as WE have always been."

Note 43: In his PBS (Public Broadcasting System) special, John Bradshaw noted that the "inner child," although very positive, was a great threat to societies. In Judeo-Christian folklore, for example, society was so threatened by both Moses and Jesus that numerous children were apparently killed just to make sure the two save the world children would also be destroyed.

Note 44: Some of these individuals in Calgary are those who were targeted for major changes to occur: reducing/eliminating the indifference and abuse situation existing with respect to the welfare of GLB (gay, lesbian, and bisexual) children and youth. I only explained to a few individuals, including Stephen Lock, a gay community leader, the process to be used - a pure form of altruism - to be successful. The first step was to make sure the ones receiving related "highly educational" GLB information would not forget it; this was accomplished by writing cover letters which made their "murderous, unethical, immoral, and therefore hypocritical" status explicit, and it would therefore produce a remembered information-associated "hatred" response for the proverbial "bearer of bad news." Although such responses only result from people seriously lacking self-understanding, and people who specialize in denying of their truly harmful social roles (including a significant number of GLB people often having - or seeking - a power status in the GLB community), their hatred was predictable and was to be the reward receive because a great harm inflicted on a group of children and adolescents had to begin being effectively addressed. These individuals, however, would continue working to subvert the positive changes they were made to speak about and address. The game nonetheless continues and upcoming developments will be most interesting. The ones who are apparently now concerned about the welfare of GLB children and youth are proving themselves - beyond any doubt - to be experts in only being able to demonize and harm highly ethical individuals manifesting altruism-related sainthood attributes. They will therefore soon move from having been "The Killers of Gay Youth," as I often wrote, to being "The Killer Of The Most Wonderfully Gifted Kids in The World." Authorities in the CBE were given two related notices, separated by a six-month interval.

Note 45: Lewis Leaky wanted individuals who had not been biased by formal education to study the great apes (gorillas, chimpanzees, and orangutans) because he knew that formal knowledge would bias observations. The volunteer worker with street youth was in this category but, when asked for her observations, she wanted to refer me to the director of the project. At the time, she was volunteering at a school for street youth, and the teacher who knew me interjected with: "He wants the information from you because you will not bias what you have seen." Darlene Walker, a Metis woman not formally educated in mental health, was the only one who knew about the problem I have addressed herein. She had recognized that knowing what existed within the minds of highly distressed Native youths was imperative to understanding, followed by then being able to help them. A formal university education still biases an individual's mind so severely that it may, in some cases, be made incapable of objectively and insightfully investigating anything in the universe. A teaser: 100% subjectivity produces 100% objectivity. Or as Einstein would have said: "You want to understand all this. Easy! Just imagine yourself as a photon, traveling at the speed of light! What do you see?" To understand anyone, we must become that person, thus having done everything in that person's history. A failure to "transpose" will result in a failure to understand usually co-occurring with condemnations such as: "I would have never done that!" A good mentor would reply: "But you could have, if you really had been the individual." My understanding abilities (and related transposing abilities) were greatly improved (in a "retrieval" type of way) by my graduate work in Movement Education, with a focus on Modern Dance.


Email:   Pierre Tremblay: ----- pierre@youth-suicide.com ----- (403) 245-8827

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