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A Factor In Suicide And Related Problems

Save-The-World Factor: Part 1 Notes 1-26

Part 1 Text & Notes 27- 45

Notes:

Note 1: By the age of 19/20, when I revealed my thoughts on many issues, such as the farce of "Foreign Aid," I was said to be "a very angry young man." Many moron suggestions were made if, as I was revealing, I really did care about abused people. The suggestions were usually in the category of deluding oneself by applying a band-aid to someone's finger when others were severing the individual's arm. "My problem" is placed in italics because it is not only my problem. It is a social/professional problem being paid for by individuals with often unrecognized wonderful attributes. The personal attributes related to my problem, however, were present at least by the ages of 4 and 5 because who I am has essentially not changed since then, except for aging, becoming more educated, and having to increasingly ward off deadly attempts (a collective social and professional endeavor) to destroy my most important attribute: the child's wonderment and fascination response to the surrounding world (and then to the universe), and his/her innate idealistic "seeking to understand" nature.

Note 2: I quit teaching in a high profile manner, partly because the underhanded activities of an assistant superintendent was adversely affecting the implementation of Alberta Education ideals. Quitting my job then permitted me to contact the press, and the end result included the superintendent losing his job, as did the assistant superintendent (a Pentecostal Minister) who was at the root cause of the problem having a distinct anti-homosexual flavor not recognized by most observers). The entire school system was also evaluated and positive changes resulted. The factor which made this possible was created by "baiting" two individuals in the school system so that they would charge me with "unprofessional conduct," the objective being to have them give me "my day in court." They had a lawyer, which was strongly recommended for me, but I defended myself (with the help of a dream related to how this was to be done), and I was declared to be "innocent" on all five charges. A "guilty" verdict had been hoped for; it would have been used to absolve the school systems of the allegations publicly made. To investigate the mindset (morality) of the CBE (Calgary Board of Education), I applied for a teaching position in 1989, telling the one in charge of hiring (now a superintendent) that, in a similar situation, I would do the same thing. The response was: "We don't hire people like you." Given the many harmful situations I discovered to exist in the CBE, I soon understood the benefits of having such a hiring policy. Institutions (including governments) cannot afford to hire individuals who will tell the truth about the negative (often harmful) situations - and practices - traditionally existing in these institutions.

Note 3: The recognition that "X" was highly intelligent - and operationally intelligent - was solely based on the content in his suicide note. A later communication from his mother confirmed this. By the age of three, the attribute had been suspected, and it was later confirmed. As for myself, although I had always been reasonably successful, academically, it was only in my sixth year in university, while taking a course on educating exceptional children, that my "giftedness" was recognized and acknowledged. I would not, however, have given myself this label as a child or adolescent growing up in a working-class neighborhood. As a rule, as often noted by teachers, I did not perform to my potential, but I was busy doing other things and learning what was not being taught in schools. The term "operational intelligence" is used to describe individuals who can visualize or perceive realities in significantly different ways than most people do, and they are also able to explain their perceptions to a reasonable degree. "X" was in this category, with a telltale altruistic attribute also characterizing Albert Einstein; he often devoted thinking time to an issue troubling all altruistic people: wars and especially how to end them. The situation in the CBE was described in a February 1995 letter to all trustees and superintendents. In it, important advice received from two CBE insiders was reported: If the issue I wanted addressed "was not white and heterosexual," there would be great problems to overcome. The "issues" were related to GLBT (gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender) children and adolescents of all colors and a very important concept was presented in the letter: If authorities in the CBE were to continue ignoring "white" GLBT children (simply because they were different), they would surely continue to ignore - except maybe in hypocritical ways - the problems of children even more different, such as not being "white." By the end of 1996, CBE authorities had been given notice with respect to the harm being inflicted on highly gifted altruistic children and adolescents. The proof for this was, at the time, being orchestrated.

Note 4: Sexually interacting with a male was never a problem because it was quite natural. To the age of 22 years, however, I had only experienced romantic love responses for females. When a similar response occurred for a male, as the result of a male bonding experience, I was shocked but also fascinated and elated. The experience was wonderful and I had to understand why the unexpected event occurred, even if it would take a lifetime: "by the age of 50," as I humbly told myself given the recognition I knew to exist in this respect in the behavioral sciences. Understanding why males would enjoy having sex with males - which would be the rule (as suggested by the Biblical story of Sodom located in Genesis 19) if it was not for anti-homosexuality indoctrination and associated gender role socialization - had been a minor endeavor compared to the task at hand. Heterosexualities (and related emotions) were also to be studied and understood reasonably well before the understanding of homosexuality (and related emotions) could be hoped for.

Note 5: I was using the North American "gay and lesbian studies" label for the study of anything homosexual, but doing this became problematic because "gay" is a concept related to a socially induced (constructed) identities. (For relevant information see the books by Michel Foucault, David Greenberg, and Jeffrey Weeks.) There are some cultures where, although homosexual activity may be (may have been) common or the rule (sometimes applying to all males in a culture), individuals do not (did not) develop gay or lesbian identities. Therefore, using the word "homosexual" is more encompassing, which is why "The Journal of Homosexuality" exists and it has published papers on all types of male-male relationships, including those involving men and boys. In the Netherlands - a world center for "gay and lesbian studies" - the label given to these studies is equivalent in our language to "Homostudies," if such a word existed. (See: Heckma G, and van der Meer T. (1992) Gay and lesbian studies in the Netherlands by G. Heckma and T. van der Meer, Journal of Homosexuality, 24(1/2), 125-136.) Some ethnocentric "politically correct" North American individuals, however, may not like this concept, but a little education about the non-gay aspects of homosexuality throughout the world would convince them that using the word "gay" (a minority concept) to describe most of the world's male-male sexual relationships (as they exist and have existed) would be incorrect. In the past few years, the word "queer" has increasingly been used to designate many non-heterosexual identities such as being gay, bisexual, lesbian, transgendered, but even this word is lacking with respect to a precise definition, and most men who have sex with men without identifying as "gay" would object to being labeled "queer." The study of feminism was a part of a study of heterosexual males beginning at a very young age when I became suspicious of many heterosexual men who said they loved women (or a woman); this was not true. The endeavor resulted in the production of a manuscript titled The greatest myth of all which evaluated the belief that heterosexual males loved women. Basically, a skill usually associated with children (and actors) - the ability to transpose and become whatever one seeks to understand and/or credibly render - permitted me to become a woman (or all women) while retaining everything I had learned about autonomy, integrity, and freedom as a socialized male. It was then possible to say: No man in our society, if any other group of individuals had done to them what they had traditionally inflicted on women (legal, religious, economic, and social discrimination/abuse, including men's self-given legal right to rape their wives ending only in the early 1980s in Canada) would have ever concluded that they were loved. This naturally led to another important study related to how most women continue to maintain the likely delusion that men (or a man) love them. By the late 1960s and early 1970s, highly threatened heterosexual males began to act collectively to discredit and destroy the feminists coming to close to the truth, and the remaining credible feminists returned to being what women had traditionally been: the servants of the ruling males and therefore traitors to their own kind. Only a minority of men love women and they have most interesting attributes. Sexist males are the ones who perceive effeminate males in degraded ways thereby revealing how they really perceive all humans who are feminine. Legions of sexists males are in the heterosexual, bisexual, and homosexual male worlds.

Note 6: The concept of sexual orientation is being hotly debated, but it does not appear like anyone has been asking the most important question given the available knowledge. As a rule, when males are asked if they have sexual desires for same-gender individuals and if they act on these desires, the ones replying affirmatively can be believed. The others, however, may be lying to the one requesting the information (including researchers), and a group would also be lying to themselves in a number of ways. To date, "science" has not answered the most important question: "How many of the self-proclaimed heterosexual males have been in the "lying" category about being homosexual to some degree: to some detectable degree? A 1996 study by H. Adams, L Wright, and B. Lohr (Is homophobia associated with homosexual arousal? Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 105(3), 440-5.) divided heterosexual males into homophobic and non-homophobic groups and instrumentally monitored their erection levels while exposing them to depictions of men having sex with men. Results: 54% of homophobic men and 24% of non-homophobic men "showed definite tumescence (erection, sexual stimulation) to the homosexual video; 26% and 10% of the two groups, respectively, manifested "moderate tumescence (p. 443)." The males in this study ranged in age from 18 to 31 years, with a mean age of 20.3 years. The results would therefore indicate that about 60% of males (including the 10% of males in this age group who report having a bisexual or homosexual orientation, most also behaving accordingly) are "homosexual" to a detectable degree. Kinsey (1948) reported that 37% of males has related sexually with at least one other male since the age of 15 years, and another 13% reported having related desires, for a total of 50%. Since the 1950s, major professional endeavors were undertaken to eliminate "bisexuality" from the world of reality, and some Sociology textbooks now report the non-existence of bisexuality. This ideology is also embedded in the research attempting to prove that the cause for males "being homosexual" is genetic. The best known "sexual issues" Calgary psychiatrist noted, at a meeting, that only "being homosexual and heterosexual" was significant in the therapy situation; bisexuality was essentially given a non-existent status. Considerable efforts have also been made to discredit Kinsey's research results, and I have even encountered the argument that Kinsey's result's apparently disproved Freud's bisexuality theory. This is not true.

Note 7: The concept of knowledge - or the philosophy of knowledge - has always been of great interest, especially from a geological (evolutionary) perspective. The human brain evolved to the point that its quest (or drive) to know about everything in the universe produced a fascinating problem. Its evolved needs essentially outpaced what pre-human brains had depended on to acquire knowledge: the senses of the body in which it is located. To solve the problem, human brains (working somewhat collectively) therefore did something probably unprecedented in evolutionary history. Extensions to human senses were developed, such as telescopes and microscopes because they permitted us to see things our eyes could not see. WE also developed additions to our senses, such as radio and gamma-ray telescopes to see via radio waves or gamma-rays, and sonar to see via a variety of sounds waves. Electron microscopes also permit US to see things smaller than whatever light can resolve. To see within biological forms, WE have developed MIR and CAT scanners, their forerunners being X-ray units. Therefore, the human brain's evolutionary need (or status) - with respect to "wanting to know" - has greatly outstripped whatever information the body's (more slowly evolving) senses could supply. Our senses have changed little since WE began a major evolutionary development about four to six million years ago; it is our brains which have changed (evolved) in dramatic ways. One major function of human brains has been to acquire knowledge and a decent understanding (often subverted by beliefs) of everything in the universe, including the understanding of ourselves as a part of it. One of the earliest extension/expansion of a sense (hearing) occurred with the invention of writing which translates verbal communication to the visual field. A sector of the brain is now being used to receive and process this more tangible (often long-lasting) form of information communication.

Note 8: By the age of 5/6, I was quickly learning about the "normality" of homosexuality. I remember well the day my younger sister saw what I and another young boy (a year older than myself) were doing in the tent and she told my mother. Luckily, my mother was not too perturbed about so-called "childhood sexuality," which was a somewhat positive message. Nonetheless, I then resolved to not get caught again and, by the ages of 9/10 years, when I was acting for two consecutive years as Saint John in a two-hour production of The Passion, I had a friendship/sexual desire for the boy acting as Jesus - who was a year older than myself. The desire did not materialize mostly because he lived two miles from my home but, on stage, during the Last Supper scene when I had my head on his chest and was listening to his heart beat, I was for the first time repeatedly experiencing a wonderful homo-sensual/erotic experience not being experienced with my male-bonding friends. By the age of 11, I was a veteran with respect to being homosexually active; to this age, I had also believed (due to a socially planned censoring of related information) that homosexuality was only a local phenomenon: something the neighborhood boys had somehow discovered through related experiences. Given its widespread nature, our homosexual activities were more like an open secret, but we did not report our enjoyed sexual activities to adults or girls because of their (socially constructed) common (often deceitful) aversion for anything sexual. I could not understand why such attitudes existed. Everything I and other boys experienced was quite wonderful: not one negative biological response - only positive ones, including when I occasionally sexually interacted with males significantly older than myself; this began in my early teen years. By the age of 11, I (as well as other male friends) had recognized that something was seriously wrong with males who believed that relating sexually with another male would not be enjoyable. Such negative responses are the result of social indoctrination causing the individual's brain to behave in denial or maybe non-recognition of one's biological properties, and some individuals may also become incapable of knowing their biological properties as the result of pathological outcomes of the socialization process. At the same age I was also given information which somewhat universalized the phenomenon of homosexuality, at least for males. One day, my mother decided to give me friendly advice concerning the "sexual" dangers sailors may pose to boys such as myself. Much later, I told her that the information given was one of my major childhood learning experiences, but it was not what she would have predicted. My belief that homosexuality was a local phenomenon had been shattered, given that sailors coming into port originated from numerous countries. Male homosexuality had therefore become an international phenomenon, at least in the form that men who would be available for boys wanting such encounters (as two boys I knew did), and even for boys who were more entrepreneurial; the existence of these boys in North America and in other countries is well documented by researchers of male prostitution and the ones familiar with gay communities and their histories. My mother's inadvertent homo-education had been the result of having brought home a large bag of German candies which, unknown to her, has been given to me by the wife of the First Mate, and not by a sailor who may have wanted sexual favors. Throughout my childhood an early adolescence, I never had the experience of anyone doing (or even attempting to do) anything sexual against my will, and some request were denied. The sexuality we manifested, because it was linked (rooted in) friendship, altruism, and biology, was what I have labeled "sex with equality." We were not doing to other males what males were expected (socially pressured) to do to females and continue to do. Therefore, anal sex, the homosexual equivalent to the heterosexual coitus "main menu," had not even come to mind, as opposed to being avoided.

Note 9: In Social Welfare: a world view - (van Wormer, Katherine, Neilson Hall, Inc., 1997), homophobia is reported to be "a worldwide phenomenon" on the basis of the evidence presented. The imprisonment of homosexuals is common, as is hostility resulting in murders still commonly occurring even in the more tolerant countries such as Canada and the United States (pp. 522-23). Hostility is also manifested by mental health professionals in many countries, as it once existed in North America where homophobia and heterosexism continues to be a serious (although lessening) problem. The following citation from a recently published Russian paper illustrates this. "Abstract: In social terms homosexuality is one of the most dangerous sexual perversions, for it is subject to strong social disapproval, affects the personality core, leads to social disadaptation, growth of anxiety, development of neurotic and depressive states, suicidal inclination, is conducive to the spread of syphilis and AIDS, forms the basis for numerous crimes (violence, aggression, murder). Homosexuality virtually cannot be corrected and is carefully concealed. In single-sex groups (soldiers, students of military schools, convicts) the prevalence of homosexuality may be as high as 30 to 50%..." (Bardenstein, LM. et al. The characteristics of diagnosing homosexuality in examining a special population contingent. Sudebno Meditsinskaia Ekspertiza, 38(2), 1995, Quoted from Medline. Paper written in Russian. English version of the abstract supplied by authors.) Information related to Nazism and homosexuality is available in The pink triangle: the Nazi war against homosexuals by Richard Plant (Henry Holt and Company, NY, 1985) and Homosexuality and male bonding in pre-Nazi Germany edited by Harry Oosterhuis and Hubert Kennedy (Harrington Park Press, NY, 1992).

Note 10: One of the best examples illustrating this effect is the rejection of the "evolution of life forms" concept by certain (mostly fundamentalists Christian) groups. Even the basic observation that life forms are changing and will continue to change, as they have changed to varying degrees in the recent past, and have changed dramatically in the last billion years, is rejected because a learned belief (such as creationism) can severely impair the wonderful knowledge-acquiring and understanding-producing abilities of the human brain. Such human brains may be likened to a computer programmed to not violate one assumption: the sun and all in the universe revolves around the earth. If the computer was then used to assimilate all the visual information in the sky, it would have to distort in absurd ways (torture) all the information so that the false belief will be maintained and also supported. A recent example of impaired human brain functioning (with respect to our understanding abilities) is reported in "The aggressive egg" by Jeffery Newbury (Discover, June 1992, 61-5). It was shown that our "gender" socialization (indoctrination) seriously interfered with biologists' study of the egg/sperm phenomenon. This "interference [also] influenced more than their writing: it skewed their research." Basically, they avoided "seeing" what was there to see because the reality was incompatible with (and also challenged) their acquired beliefs about gender intimately associated with the sperm/egg phenomenon. The major radical discoveries yet to be made about important human realities - and we are well beyond the point when WE should now recognize them - are also being delayed because of our socially inflicted gender identities and related damaging effects on the human brain's understanding ability. In biology, as noted in the above cited article with implications related to general human brain impairment, it was concluded that biologists "would have seen these results sooner if they hadn't had these male-oriented images of sperm. In fact biologists could have figured out a hundred years ago that sperm are weak ... The imagery you employ guides you to ask certain questions and to not ask certain others (p. 64)." As a rule, the most important questions related to male homosexuality and heterosexuality, and especially bisexuality, are also not being asked - for the same reason - as are many other very important [belief-threatening] questions.

Note 11: Richard and I met in a gay bar and, on the way home, I was administering a casual version of a test I still use to determine an individual's "operational intelligence" level. Next came the "touch" test (in use since childhood) which reveals whether the individual has a separated/integrated (existing in degrees) sexuality. About three out of four males who made it to my bed would not pass this mind-body integration test, and I would avoid relating sexually with them, but always in a diplomatic way. There was also an emotional symbiosis existing between Richard and I, and we were "in love." The next twelve years were most interesting, with fascinating challenges producing major insights into Self and about many common relationship problems, including some problems rarely addressed. Honesty, sometimes of the brutal or Socratic kind, was a major attribute of the relationship.

Note 12: Given that about 60% of the serious male youth suicide attempt problem is related to gay/bisexual males (Suicidal behaviors in homosexual and bisexual males by Bagley and Tremblay, Crisis, 18(1), 1997) and that mainstream suicidologists have generally ignored this, a 60% level of ignorance is indicated. Child sexual abuse has also been generally ignored, but the ones who have considered this factor may have grossly misinterpreted its role in distress when a history of child sexual abuse is implicated in suicide problems, and the same applies for its often noted association of child sexual abuse with juvenile delinquency. For example, the cause of the great distress for some boys sexually/emotionally involved with a man (or men) has not been what many experts would label the "child sexual abuse" which was apparently happening between the boy and the man. Instead, a boy may become suicidal - or develop other major problems - when such a relationship ends because he was "in love with the man." Serious problems may also result if such a man-boy love relationship comes to the attention of others such as parents, teachers, or the police. If the boy is used to send the man he loves to prison, the boy may either become very depressed and/or he may completely revolt against society which failed to understand him and his feelings - such as the fact that he had fallen in love with a man and that he was used (by society) to harm this person. Unfortunately, in such a situation, the "child sexual abuse" professionals would say something like: "See the damage caused by child sexual abuse."

Note 13: It is quite remarkable that the effects of knowledge and understanding on (socialized) human brains has been neglected in psychology/psychiatry. The substitutes for knowledge and understanding (socially/religiously indoctrinated beliefs) have been deadly: causing, for example, the most righteous to murder everyone deemed to be possessed by something - Satan - who, if he ever existed - was certainly possessing the souls of the mass-murdering righteous ones. The same fate would have also been inflicted on anyone teaching that humans, like all life forms, had evolved. Fortunately, major positive changes have occurred in this century, and especially in the last fifty years for the average individual, thus causing us to possibly be not as pathologically lethal as our forefathers. We are nonetheless still at a stage where most men (and women) can, in a time of war, easily be made into mass-murderers (of women and children), simply by subjecting them to "faulty" education, or by having them already appropriately educated. "The first casualty in all wars," as it has often been said (and usually only reported proven after wars), "is truth." So what is the difference between the average male who has ruled our societies (no matter what side of a war they were on), and mass-murderers who are generally believed to be "monsters," are brought to trial, and are often executed?

Note 14: One reason for this response was that my mother was a nurse and my non-possessive bond with her had always caused me to feel wonderful (as a child/adolescent) when she went to work; I knew she made others feel as wonderful as I did when I had been sick. (This was an early manifestation of my highly altruistic processing of information and it also demonstrates that my altruistic responses extended to people unknown to me.) I would therefore not make anyone (especially people in Medicine) feel bad when they had been so helpful, at least according to how they would perceive the situation. I was, however, under the influence of morphine and, to my mother's surprise, I had not been the "model" patient. My altruistic nature, however, even under the influence of a powerful drug, was still being manifested, but to a lesser degree.

Note 15: I often worry in this respect because it is likely that a brain affected, as mine has been, may short, possibly becoming manic depressive or even schizophrenic if the individual does not commit suicide. These mind/brain related events (usually beginning in adolescence) may be somewhat analogous to what happens in the human brain (before the age of 6) when a child is subjected to incredible abuse (including child sexual abuse) by a parent: the development of multiple personalities which is a major mind/brain "segmentation" event. At a later age, the brain may respond quite differently when experiencing intrapsychic conflict problems, as the one I have been attempting to survive. Thus, some forms of unipolar and bipolar (manic) depression, schizophrenia, and other psychiatric disorders may be environmentally induced in yet unrecognized ways. I will be addressing this in Part 2.

Note 16: I have always had the feeling that this was "my trip," and that I should not involve anyone else to any significant degree because of the life-threatening dangers involved. As time progressed, however, I was discovering that others were also on a similar path, with similar problems, and that most either regressed or did not make it; they either committed suicide or probably developed a major psychiatric problems. I then became more public, but in a restricted way, with my experiences and related information. Nonetheless, the venture is still experimental and I do not know if anyone survives this. If not, what I have been seeking is therefore not yet possible on this planet, although I am hoping this is untrue. If true, I then do not want others to experience what I did, especially if I end up having no choice but to end my life. It takes little courage to be brave in a situation where we know someone will surely be killing us, but it takes exceptional bravery/courage to kill ourselves because a major instinct must be overcome: the one to live. A society which accepts executions of its members (for certain crimes) will be deemed exceptionally cruel if it demanded that condemned individuals kill themselves in maybe the same way Kurt Cobain committed suicide. He killed himself by pointing a shotgun to his head. Cobain had self-identified as bisexual in a personal world which denied the existence of bisexuality. Pfaff, another member of the group and the bassist in the rock group Hole (headed by Courtney Love, Cobain's wife) had also identified as bisexual and soon after killed herself with a drug overdose.

Note 17: At the end of my second year teaching, my students and their parents bought me a t-shirt on which they had printed "SUPER TEACHER." I still have it but it was not worn (except once) for "embarrassment" reasons. Near the end of my third year teaching, I competed for a principalship and obtained it (Note 18), but then declined because I decided to do a seventh year of university in a field I had not taken course in: physical education with a major emphasis on dance. As a rule, I would succeed with students previous teachers had failed to communicate with; my favorite students were always the ones teachers considered to be their worst: the challenging delinquent types. I began working with one class which had reading scores averaging one year behind where they should have been. Within two years, given that I was teaching double grades, they had the top reading scores in the school division. One boy entered grade 5 with an IQ of about 90 and his grades had generally been in the 30% range. Noticing that he was a "right-brain" kid with "Victor Hugo" and "Leonardo daVinci" attributes (based on his art skills - and he 'loved' drawing cemeteries, possibly as a reflection of the isolation socially imposed on him, and maybe as a foreshadowing of his future), I used my own highly dominating "right-brain" skills to begin doing what all teachers had failed to do: communicate with the kid and begin developing his "left-brain" skills, such as language. In less than one year, his grades were about 90% and I then asked the principal to do an IQ test. The results: 140, and doing IQ tests does not appear to be the forte of some "right-brain" kids. Most school problems with children and adolescents are communication problems and teachers are often not living up to what they are being paid to do: communicate with all students. Furthermore, the grading system should not be a reflection of the student's success level, but a reflection of the effectiveness of the teacher to communicate information to each of their students.

Note 18: Competing for the principalship included a meeting with the school trustees. They had heard about my fame and wondered why I had been so successful with students. I reported that acquiring knowledge from many fields had been an ongoing process and that I also quickly realized how some of the knowledge could be of value in (and adapted to) teaching situation. To illustrate this, I used the example of South American Indian paintings produced under the influence of mescaline (an illegal drug and a very sensitive topic for trustees). I then explained how mescaline probably activated the right temporal lobe of the brain, the part also activated when we are into REM sleep and we are experiencing a highly visual (real to symbolic) creative activity: dreaming. Assuming that, maybe, exposure to such art could somehow reverse the process (at least for very short periods of time), the art work was replicated by some students and placed on the classroom walls to blend in with the numerous plants I had in my classroom. I then explained how I checked to see if the art had been of value to students, and why this result was anticipated. A few days later the superintendent reported on the trustees' responses to their encounter with me. They had been fascinated, never having before thought that such highly creative endeavors were happening in their schools. What I was doing, however, was very dangerous; teachers who do not protect themselves by being "conservative" or "traditional" risk being fired if they are not producing highly positive results, and especially when the results are negative. As a teacher, I had made a very important promise to myself, based on the fact that not one of my teachers had ever known who I really was, thus precluding any meaningful communication with me. I would therefore not do to a student what had been done to me, and I used highly effective communication methods to accomplish this objective. Some of these were based on vivid memories of the past and asking myself: "How could they have been able to effectively communicate with me?"

Note 19: Darlene Walker read the first version of this document to verify the reporting accuracy (which essentially remains unchanged with respect to the information she gave me), and her name is cited with permission. The first draft was produced and was circulating for responses by December, 1996.

Note 20: Much is to be written on the subject of many children responding positively to what is usually called "child sexual abuse." Often enough, some of the experiences were coded very negatively, especially if violence was involved, but the same would apply for violent adult sexual encounters. Sexual encounters responded to positively, however, may result in much guilt because the child has entered a world in which their experienced reality is at odds with social beliefs. A similar "forbidden knowledge" situation may result if a boy grows up in an environment where sexual relationships between males are normative, as it was the case for me. Insightful thinking and writing needs to be done about this phenomenon.

Note 21: One of my encounters with Darlene was at a meeting she was facilitating for about 25 individuals with alcohol problems. When I entered the room, I was exposed to "The Serenity Prayer" posted on the wall: "GOD grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change; COURAGE to change the things I can; and WISDOM to know the difference." Almost immediately, the inner one was troubled and telling me: "This is where the nicest kids in the world are destroyed." In such places they are being indoctrinated to believe that the world cannot be changed and additional work is done to make them like everyone else. The meeting, however, was most interesting because exercises were done to help people access their apparently deeply buried "inner child," thus emphasizing that this was yet another place where I did not belong. My "inner child" has not been far away. It is more like the one I must defend myself from - and negotiate with - just to survive. More on this later.

Note 22: At the time I was not familiar with the idea that "chaos" is not a negative phenomenon because, out of it, greater positive outcomes may result. It was therefore not surprising that I received the most help from individuals specializing in addictions, as was the case for Darlene Walker and the only therapist still working with me. In this field it is often noted that, in many cases, an individual must "hit bottom" before they will begin addressing the addiction problem, and especially the issues underlying their use/abuse of alcohol and/or drugs. Therefore, what was needed to solve my problem was not exactly foreign to them, thus producing some acceptance and validation of the direction I was taking, even if skepticism existed. The most supportive therapist, however, was Darlene Walker because her Native heritage had prepared her to perceive things quite differently than white people do. In my responses to the world, and especially the ones most linked to inner emotions, I was a hybrid between being a Native North American and being of white European descent. 

Note 23: Concerning the Unconscious, Wilhelm Reich wrote: "You think you can determine your actions with free will? Far from it! Your conscious actions is only a drop on the surface of the sea of unconscious process, of which you can know nothing about which, indeed, you are afraid to know." (Reich, W. The function of the orgasm. Farrar, Straus & Giroux, 1961 (1941, 1948). Edition quoted: Bantam, 1975, p. 33.) The unconscious, however, is generally perceived in negative terms, as Freud and others did, but its improved (and revised) understanding in the future may radically change related beliefs and attitudes. Since birth, the human psyche is in transition and Freud's negative perception of the Id (based on learned negative stereotypes of animals) resulted from documenting negative attributes of the personality most likely representing the psychological period often called "the terrible two's," as opposed to the Id. The Id would be associated with the "mother and I are one" period which is the likely foundation of altruism possibly reflecting the recent more positive "inner child" label for the Id.

Note 24: There is a long history of psychiatry/psychology perceiving the child in extremely negative terms (as often noted by the psychoanalyst/author, Alice Miller), thus justifying (and validating) the apparently positive socialization process. As I entered my teens, however, my acquired knowledge was sufficient to seriously challenge the demonizing of the child and the corresponding demonizing of animals whose attributes are supposedly associated with the very negative Id: the child's first personality deemed to be highly dangerous and in need of repression. Taking care of infants (because I was the third eldest out of eight children) made it impossible to perceive them in such negative terms. I had, for example, observed my younger brother (who was not yet walking) crawl to a crying older sibling and behaving in much the same way as my dog did. They would both not know exactly what to do, but they were trying - as others had done when they had been distressed. They were therefore empathizing - caring and being actively concerned about a distressed individual, and their related behaviors represented a very pure form of altruism. There was nothing in what they did which could be interpreted to have a "selfish" or "ego self-serving" motive, not even in terms of expecting a reward in the future for what they were doing. My own retained altruistic nature, however, appears to be anomalous, probably for reasons related to the "mother and I are one" early attribute which expanded to the larger world at a young age (Note 14). Unfortunately, altruism is not well understood, especially with respect to its development (or cause), and related problems are addressed in the 1995 Philosophy article "Recent work on human altruism and evolution" by Neven Sesardic (Ethics, 106, 128-157) . The "understanding of altruism" is still at the "paradox" stage, thus suggesting that existing definitions are flawed, for nothing in the universe is a paradox. The universe (like earth's biological world) is a related and interrelated system, and paradoxes would only exist in the languages (developed long ago and thus embodying the high level of perceptual - also lethal - ignorance of our forefathers) now recognized (at least by myself) to greatly impair our understanding abilities. Although I once did not know why my brain would always seek to convert what I was reading to "pictures" (but this is how the child also assimilates information about the world in the pre-language period), I now understand the great "understanding" value of this wonderful primary (not primitive, and certainly not negative) innate ability so intimately related to the Visual Arts.

Note 25: When I ventured into the gay community in the late 1970, I began to study a social construction of a homosexuality quite foreign to the one in which I grew up. The discovery that many gay males sought anonymous sexual encounters with other males was more like a culture shock. I had grown up in a community where, as a rule, sexual activity occurred in proportion to the degree of friendship one had with males: the most sex with one's best friend, and lesser sex with lesser friends. In the so-called "gay world," sex was generally not associated with male bonding, and gay males who grew up recognizing their sexual desires for males (of varying ages) often lived in terror of anyone discovering their secret. They were often abused if suspected of being gay (a fag, queer, etc.), and they also generally experienced emotional/sexual isolation, often thinking themselves to be the only ones gay. This situation also made them very vulnerable to child sex abuse, to eventually seeking anonymous sexual encounters (with a high risk for abuse and even rape), and to becoming a part of the gay community (a hated generally hidden sexual minority-identified group). Emotionally vulnerable gay youth have been at risk for being used/abused and even raped in gay communities, which is unacceptable. Such outcomes were in the near-impossible category in the environment where I grew up as part of a majority group, thus precluding the acceptance of the "minority" concept/status so intimately associated with the word "gay." Therefore, a minority or majority status for "homosexuality" - the enjoyment of same-gender sexual activity - is a socially created/constructed reality, as also indicated by anthropological knowledge and human history. Given that the status quo is not an absolute, something can always be done to change any negative situation such as the abuse of gay/lesbian/bisexual-identified children and adolescents.

Note 26: There are many example given herein of concepts which would be "dangerous to my health" if others knew about them, including the "save the world" attribute being addressed. Another dangerous concept, however, would be the probability that many (most? all?) heterosexual males have hated women. This is a highly taboo concept and a number of feminists paid a heavy price for suggesting the idea. Yet, by 1905, Freud had asserted that the sexual natures of heterosexual males was highly "sadistic," the implication being that their sexualities reflected a "non-love, or hatred" element. By the early 1980s, researchers had been exposing average heterosexual males to rape pornography which produced high sexual stimulation, thus again indicating that most heterosexual males have a sexuality related to a hatred for women and a desire to abuse (harm) them; rape is, as a woman once noted, "an unfinished murder," and rape is therefore neither an act of love nor an act of indifference. By 1992, I had written a 120-page document, "The homosexuality factor in social violence" (presented to Calgary's Action Committee on Violence), and half of it was devoted to explaining why many men batter women. This was based on the idea that numerous males have repressed their homosexuality and, to defend themselves against its ever-threatening emergence, they must access and implement the most morbid (and probably most sexually stimulating) aspect of their heterosexuality to keep on believing they are heterosexual: not homosexual! The thesis also explained another important observation related to wife battery. After men assault their wives (or girlfriend) they often want to have sex, the obvious (but often overlooked) implications being that the assault was sexually stimulating, that it was therefore sexual "foreplay." In one study of males in relationships with a woman for an average period of six years, about ten percent admitted to having fantasies of "beating a woman up" while making love to their female partners. Most considered my thesis to be incorrect mostly because they could not accept that numerous heterosexual males have a repressed or denied homosexual component within them. The current ideology has been that a few homosexual males exist, that the majority are [pure] heterosexual, and that bisexuality probably does not exist. The available research nonetheless suggests that more than 60% of males have a detectable homosexual component existing within (Note 6) and the fact may be used to reassert Freud's belief that all males are bisexual and that homosexuality may well be, as he also asserted, an attribute which preceded the development of heterosexuality. (Related information in The Freudian construction of sexuality: the gay foundation of heterosexuality and straight homophobia by Eric de Kuyper, Journal of Homosexuality, 24(3/4). 137-44.)


Email:   Pierre Tremblay: ----- pierre@youth-suicide.com ----- (403) 245-8827

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