Wife batterers, wife rapists, and other rapists and abusers of women generally refuse to acknowledge their hatred for women, and many are obsessed with telling themselves and others that their acts of hatred are acts of love! Typically "faulty learning" is blamed for this and professionals often fail to recognize the related factors operating in the minds of these abusive males. They are defending themselves - at the expense of sane thinking - from the conclusion that they hate women, and they often believe that only homosexual males hate women: a common stereotype in western cultures.
After years of study, it became increasingly apparent that many wife batterers are repressed homosexuals who have a heterosexuality similar to the one manifested by "dominant" males in prison, and to the type of heterosexuality once existing in myself. It would therefore be very enlightening to study wife batterers from a homosexual perspective but most psychiatrists, psychologists, counsellors, and social workers (including the ones with a homosexual orientation) have not received the homo-education needed to effectively do this.
Murphy (1992) evaluated the sex education professionals in psychiatry, psychology, counselling, and social work were receiving, the conclusion being that it was poor and that their "gay and lesbian" education was almost non-existent (68). The situation is so bad, in fact, as I discovered in my 1991 investigation of professionals reported on in "GAY, LESBIAN, AND BISEXUAL YOUTH NEED OUT HELP," that Alberta professionals who are tackling the youth suicide problem had not even recognized "the homosexuality factor" in this ever-worsening social problem (86: 27-32). This monumentally important factor had also generally not been recognized in other serious problems such as alcoholism, substance abuse, the school dropout rate, juvenile delinquency, and even adult criminal activity.
Professionals in our society have a history of not seeing "homosexuality" unless it "slapped them in the face." In such cases, they also typically defined "homosexuals" to be only males who matched learned social stereotypes: they are to be effeminate and sexually passive. Homo-sexually dominant males were generally told: "You're not a homosexual. You only had homo-sex because women were not available. It was a faute de mieux situation." To homo-sexually active male youth, the response was: "It's just a phase you're going through." Similar statements, however, were not made to boys who had sex with females. They were never told it's just a phase! Many professionals also claimed they could cure people from the "homosexual affliction" wrongly defined to be a mental disorder.
Professionals were therefore educated and trained to believe that homosexuality should not exist, and they are much like parents who are told by one of their children: "I'm gay!" As a rule, parents come up with many reasons not to accept what they may have even suspected about their offspring, and they may also begin to bluntly deny the admitted reality. Such people therefore cannot be expected to see or suspect "repressed homosexuality," especially if the symptoms are manifested in the form of males becoming ultra masculine and violent, and/or if they are having sex with as many females as possible.
Homo-history reveals that, if homosexual desires exist in a male, there is a force operating to make these males act sexually in accordance to their desires. Our society, however, effectively teaches homophobia and homohatred, thus causing major problems. Typically, homosexual males have a history of seeking the homo-sex desired, at least to some degree, and often did so in ways to avoid the highly dreaded homosexuallabel which would have negatively affected - maybe devastated - their self-esteem. The ultimate in self-esteem maintenance - or mental health - would therefore involve having sex with males as much as one would want while defining the homo-sexual activity to be 100 percent heterosexuality as "dominant" males in prisons and "trade" males in society have done.
I have met gay males reporting that, as adolescents, they had sex with males, but only after a discussion had occurred. One of them was to play the "female role" so that the sexual activity endeavored into would appear to be "normal." In my case, however, the homosexual label was avoided because the homo-sexual activity did not resemble what we believed hetero-sexual relationships to be. We were having sex between equals - with male friends and best friends - and our respect for each other precluded even the thought of making a friend into "a female." Unfortunately, this ideal interaction pattern was also associated with learned sexism and its related gender-based or sexism-based homophobia.
"Dominant" males in prison maintain their self-esteem by defining "heterosexuality" to be any sexual activity with an individual deemed "inferior" to them - because they have acquired the belief that "normal sex" occurs between superior and inferior beings. For these "dominant" males, all physically weaker males are potential heterosexual partners, or women. These males, however, including all the males I had sex with during adolescence, knew they were having HOMO-SEXUAL SEX! They also knew - as I remember always knowing - that society would certainly disapprove if our homo-sex activities became known. Therefore, we talked freely about our homo-sexual activities only with males sharing our delusions, thus replicating what "dominant" males in prison also do. We were not revealing anything about our homo-sexual activities to anyone not sharing the belief system required for self-esteem maintenance.
As a rule, society generally tells us that any adult male having sex with other adult male is homosexual, and this may be why I have yet to see "dominant" males in prison - or males who had the type of sex I experienced in adolescence - ever write (or tell a writer-investigator) about their great enjoyment of the supposedly non-homosexual sex they experienced with males. The same applies for "trade" males in society who either sold their "dominant" sexual services to gay males or did this for free! Only a few "trade" males who eventually accepted their homosexual desires (orientation) have written about the "dominant" phase effectively used to deny they were homosexual.
Some repressed homosexual males, however, are unable to have sex with other sexually mature males because they have accepted the social belief that such homo-sex is only engaged into by homosexuals, even if one of them is only "dominant." Desires to have sex with a male may be very intense, however, and their minds go to work. For them, the only "way out" - in term of possibilities - is to have sex with pre-puberty boys. "A young boy is much like a girl," they may think, and they then conclude that having sex with a young boy is as close to "normal" as possible, meaning that they are not homosexual. As with all the previously noted rationalizations, these men nonetheless know that society would certainly disapprove of their homo-sexual activities with pre-puberty boys.
Professionals have a history of looking at men engaging in sex with men or boys and often saying: "It was a faute-de mieux situation. These men are normal and this only happened because women were not available." Yet, given the homophobia / homohating nature of our society, we could expect the real reason explaining these sexual activities to be the opposite of what was noted. They are having sex with males, not in ways that they may have want to, but in ways corresponding to their rationalizations of what is normal and NOT HOMOSEXUAL, thus minimizing the loss of self-esteem.
"Being normal" varies in different societies and it is a powerful force acting on individuals. For example, about 60% of self-identified gay men report having engaged in sexual intercourse with a female (09: 159) and many report these experiences to have been either a conscious or unconscious faute de mieux situation. They would have preferred having sex with a male, as it applies for my sexual experience females even though the experiences were enjoyed, and about 20 percent of gay males report having married a woman, or more than one (07: 374). Most of these marriages were also "faute de mieux" situation, and wife batterers would be in a similar situation given their marriage to a woman they apparently hate.
The hidden realities of wife batterers would therefore be fascinating and presenting them could be done in many ways, but my great "eye-opening" experience occurred when I began acquiring information from their wives. Two of the cases of wife battery/rape best known to me - because the two female victims are friends - involved a male who had sex with his own 5-year-old son, and the other male was convicted of "fondling" two young Calgary boys after his wife divorced him. In response to this knowledge, I contacted his wife to explain the role "repressed homosexuality" played in wife battery and wife rape, and to also solicit information about her husband's homophobic nature. The other husband reported having always hated homosexuals.
In the first case, the husband was visibly and loudly homophobic, but in a gender-related way as it exists for "dominant" males in prison. For example, he would get very angry - even enraged - with his wife if anything "pink" was given to his two sons, including what he called "girlie toys." He would often assert that such things would turn his two sons into "fags" because they would become "like girls," meaning homosexual. His wife was fascinated by suddenly realizing that she had ignored so much information about her husband because it seemed insignificant, but this was the most important information needed to understanding why her husband battered and raped her so often. She described her experiences to be much like the one depicted in the movie THE BURNING-BED.
In response to this insight into her battery, information she had about another case of wife battery and rape also became significant, and she reported on her best friend's experiences. She had a son and an abusive husband who was visibly and loudly homophobic. He would even forbid his wife to comfort her son crying in the crib because, as he dictated, boys are not supposed to cry. Comforting him would encourage him to cry more and he would then surely become "a fag!" This wife battery and rape case eventually led to the Calgary Police coming to their home because be was threatening his wife with a gun. She then divorced him and received custody of her son, "R". When "R" was 14, his mother was killed in a car accident and he was sent to live with his father who had married a woman with a son of her own.
Soon after, "R" was taken on a camping trip alone with his father who gave him alcohol and sodomized him. "R" was very troubled by this event and told his stepmother. Her response was something like: "So what! He's doing the same thing to my son." "R" then told my friend because she bad been his mother's best friend and she had often taken care of him when he was young. She advised him to tell social authorities. He did, was placed in a special home, and an investigation followed. Both his father and his stepmother denied everything and he was sent back to live with his parents. Soon after, he left for the streets.
The above information about three wife batterers / rapists is not a scientific study but it does suggest that "repressed homosexuality" - a desire to have sex with males - exists in the minds of some (many?) of these men. According to the best study available, men in this category form about 10 percent of the married male population (77: 90). [Another 14 percent of married males - as based on the percentages of women reporting such abuses - have just raped or just battered their wives.] There is little doubt that most of these men firmly believe that women are inferior to men, that women should therefore be perfect slaves for their husbands, and that they should be treated like the most abusive white slave owners treated their black slaves. The abuses these men inflict on their wives range from severe beatings to death, especially when these women escape from their slavery situation, thus replicating how the meanest slave owners responded to runaway slaves. The love wife batterers have for their wives is therefore much like the love slave owners had for their slaves. It didn't exist! it was a love to have slaves and to abuse them as needed to keep them in their place..
Wife batterers / rapists treat their wives in much the same way "dominant" males in prison treat "turned out" weaker males, apparently because women are not available, and because these men are considered to be women. A punk (a male in the feminine sexual role) describes the situation which has existed in North American prisons:
The most important social function of rape [in prisons] is the 'turning' of men into Punks in order to meet the incessant demand for punks to be paired off with individual men. This practical function of rape, feeding the rest of the sexual system, has been overlooked by the psychologists... (89: 67).When "dominant" males in prison report that they only assaulted, sexually abused and degraded, and even raped other males because women are not available, they are therefore acknowledging the existence of an incredibly sadistic heterosexuality similar to the one I had. They also have a desperate need to deny they are homosexual, a feat accomplished with their belief (delusion?) that only sexually passive males are queers, punks, etc.. These males, however, could never admit a preference for sadistic sex with men, meaning that they must keep their heterosexuality alive as a defense against their highly threatening sexual desires (preference?) for males.
Theoretically, the punk is totally powerless, having no more independence than a slave. In fact, there are ways for a Punk to influence his destiny: there a punk wiles just as there are female wiles (89: 69).
COMMENT: Just like there were black slave wiles! The use of wiles, however, reflects one's inferior (or slave) status. In such situations, favors will only be obtained from one's master with behaviors deemed appropriate by the master which, in turn, is the acknowledgment and confirmation of the master's supremacy status.
...no Man will tolerate a rebellious Punk (89: 69).
An ironclad rule is that, once fallen from the grace of manhood, no male can ever become a man again (89: 70).
The relationship between a Man and his Punk tends to reflect the Man's customary way of treating his women on the Outside. A Man who beats his wife will more than likely beat his Punk. [Although some of the men are nicer than others, just like some owners of black slaves were also 'nice'.] The Man, however, makes the rules (89: 71).
Prison rape is, undoubtedly, as the academics state, a vehicle for the expression of a power relationship, dominance, control. So, too, are what the writers are pleased to call 'voluntary' sexual relationships in jail! In fact, the power/control element is never absent from the Man/Punk relationship, indeed, it defines that relationship. The Man controls the Punk. Period. Another heresy: the academics are misleading us in linking the exercise of power and control with prison rape. it is not power and control which distinguishes prison rape, it is the violent means by which these are expressed. Nor is aggression confined to rape: the difference is one of degree (89: 71).
Most of these males in prisons are said to eventually venture into relationships with women, possibly involving marriage. Unfortunately, the targeted woman (women) will probably not foresee the "nightmare" she is entering. Given her female status, demands that she be a perfect slave are soon made, and it will include the sexual slavery status he had always enforced and obtained from the males he raped and used in prison. She may be troubled by the demands, and revolt by asserting herself to be his equal. She is severely beaten and raped, to put her in her place, because this was how he has MADE men into women in prison. She doesn't understand the rage caused by her behavior because she doesn't know how her "equality" demands were processed in his mind. In prison, the only way he could ever perceive himself to be equal to a "queer" - or to a real woman - would be for him to be a queer or a woman!
Professionals studying wife battery have not yet realized that the assault of wives asserting their "equality" could be the consequence of the homosexual implications resulting in "homosexual panic." Most "dominant" males in prison would likely process "equality" demands by women in this manner, but the violence then inflicted on women would have other benefits. Walker (1979) reports, in two separate paragraphs, that wife batterers commonly experience impotence problems. In both cases, in the same paragraph, she also notes that some batterers were also having sex with men and they were labeled "bisexual" (90: 117,125). However, Walker did not link the two observations to suspect that, maybe, their heterosexual impotence problems were associated with a sexual preference for men. This is the same problem many gay males report to have existed when they were desperately trying to be heterosexual and therefore seeking to have sex with females, or when they were labeling themselves "bisexual" when, in fact, they were homosexual.
Walker also reports that, in cases where information was known about wife batterers' homosexual relationships, they were also battering their male lovers (90: 125). Therefore, a group of wife batterers are much like "trade" males in society and apparently do not need a prison environment to justify having sex with males in relationships similar (identical?) to the ones existing in prisons. Some (most?) wife batterers certainly have the mind-set manifested by "dominant" males in prison, and the spousal battery some gay males have experienced is likely being inflicted by self-hating males. They would hate women, may also be battering a woman or they have a history of doing this, and they would hate all [gay-identified] males who are perceived to be "like women" and would be treated accordingly.
On a number of occasions, I have observed professionals imparting very significant information about wife batterers. Repeatedly, they have listened to battered wives reporting that, immediately after being battered, their husbands wanted to have sex. In response to this information, a few professionals have voiced the suspicion that these men may be using battery as sexual foreplay, the implication being that brutally assaulting a woman was sexually stimulating. To my knowledge, however, not one professional has ever seriously investigated this possibility, probably because it would challenge their beliefs about "sexual acts." Yet, some men in relationships with women - about 10% according to one study - do have sexual fantasies about "beating a woman up" when they are having sex with their female partners (21). The use of such sexual fantasies would be related to experiencing and/or maintaining maximum levels of sexual stimulation, thus having monumental implications with respect to the non-love nature of their heterosexuality.
Hopefully having no "bias" in this respect, we can now investigate this possibility, even if the idea may be revolting. But then, everything wife batterers inflict on their wives is disgusting, ranging from raping their them to inflicting near death injuries, and even death. For this investigation, "our" icon wife batterer will be a man with a prison history because we know he's a repressed homosexual. His expected impotence is troubling him as he remembers how sexually potent he had been when inflicting "dominant sex" on males in prison. The unspoken conclusion is that he sexually prefers males and he is therefore experiencing "homosexual panic," not consciously acknowledged because of the homosexual implications. Instead, as most wife batterers do, he blames his wife for his impotence problems because these men are not to blame for anything. A battering situation then develops, after which he felt like having sex. His sexual performance was exceptional and, at some level in his mind, he tells himself: "That was great sex. I'm heterosexual! I'm not a fag!"
By this time, his wife had accepted the demand that she perform oral sex on him, and she had also accepted his desire to anally penetrate her, without recognizing or understanding its great importance. She did not know that these sexual acts satisfy his repressed homosexual desires given that these sexual activities had been so much enjoyed with men. When be inflicted oral and anal sex on her, he always remembered the sex enjoyed with males in prison and he would then become more sexually stimulated. After the battery, because be desired sex, he had told his wife: "I'm sorry! I love you! I really love you and I'll prove it. Let's make love." He was lying, however, because he wanted to have "dominant" sex with her and, given this man's prison homo-history, we know how he processes sexual information. For him, the basic sex act has monumental meaning. If a male is sexually passive, he is decreed to be "like a women," inferior, and subhuman, and they are to be treated accordingly - as he was doing to his wife when battering her. In his abusive relationships with men, the battery - when inflicted - was not the ultimate expression of inferiority. Only the sexual penetration of the male had this status. Therefore, the love "our" batterer claims to have is a deceitful ploy used to then inflict the most powerful statement spoken sexually: "You are inferior to me. What I'm now doing to you - Fucking You! - is the ultimate proof of this fact."
Professionals often also report another important wife batterer attribute. Once the battery begins, it generally becomes more severe, and its frequency increases. No one, to my knowledge, has ever given a decent explanation for this, and "our" wife batterer can again be used to explore the phenomenon. He is, as could be expected, in denial of the fact that he is sexually stimulated by beating up his wife because acknowledging this would lead to the "hatred-of-women" conclusion which has homosexual implication. In prison, however, he was known to despise "feminine males," meaning that he despises real women. He therefore firmly believes women to be inferior to men and he has had a history of treating women or men deemed to be "like women" (gay-identified males, or all male with a history of having been sexually penetrated by another male) - accordingly.
His first act of wife battery had cured the "homosexual panic" resulting from his impotence. A little later, the problem returned and it was again cured in the same way. Slowly, a "connection" was made between the two, possibly not even at the conscious level. If he wants to be sexually potent - heterosexual - he must assault his wife, although he would emphatically deny this, much like he would also deny his sexual preference for males. Being a repressed homosexual, however, his impotence will not only return but it will be experienced more frequently, thus increasing the battering frequency because this is the only cure available to him. Battery has therefore become mandatory given that his impotence is creating the feeling that he may be homosexual, the result being "homosexual panic." At all cost he must eliminate the anxiety - the inner terror - this possibility is creating.
Professionals have often stated that, at the beginning, wives could avoid being battered by predicting their husbands' demand. However, the batterer's response was to become more irrational so that, in the end, their wives could not avoid the battery. For example, their husbands may want one thing in a particular situation but, the next day, hour, or minute, they will want something completely different. Upon learning of this behavior, some professionals have speculated that these men batter because they are irrational; they have yet to see that the opposite applies. They become irrational because they must batter! Battery is their prime directive and they will do ANYTHING to make this possible - at any time: whenever it's needed to cure the "homosexual panic" created by their impotence and/or other homo-implicating factors.
These wife batterers have a sadistic (hatred-of-women) heterosexuality being satisfied whenever they batter, but "our" wife batterer prefers sexually dominating males. At least with men, when he was in prison, he didn't have to physically assault them to always enjoy having sex. He is nonetheless out to save his life: to save himself from the potentially lethal consequence of ever recognizing and accepting his sexual preference for males.
Few professionals understand how great a force the "fear of being homosexual" has been (and still is) for males in our society, and the same applies with respect to identifying the behavioral results of this fear. For example, the fear does cause males to kill themselves, and some males also believe that assaulting (even murdering) gay males is acceptable. Therefore, this fear could be at the root of other lesser abuses of others, such as wife battery. Unfortunately, as the evidence reveals, mental health professionals receive a very poor "human sexuality" education, and almost no education about blatant homosexuality (68: 242). Therefore, repressed homosexuality, or anything related to this phenomenon, would generally be unknown and unrecognizable to them.
Wife battery is, in (great?) part, a negative consequence of repressed homosexuality, but one must suspect this before seeking out and accessing the related information. In 1989, for example, I learned that a male in his early 20s was battering his girlfriend to the point of fearing that he may kill her. The information was given to me by a mutual friend and, soon after, I was alone with the batterer. I accidently raised the topic of battery and told him: "All men who assault women are fuckin' wimps! AREN'T THEY? All they can do is assault women who are smaller than they are! Now that's what I call a wimp!" This batterer was a devoted bodybuilder, was much stronger than most males, much larger than his girlfriend, and many times stronger than she was.
In response to my statements, there were changes of facial expressions and I therefore knew his mind had been placed in a spin. Fortunately, he was not in a position to get visibly angry, mostly because this would inherently involve admitting not only his battering activities, but to also being a wimp. Nonetheless, a defense was needed, at least in some indirect way. He stated that, in some cases of men assaulting women, it's not always the man's fault: there are some women who deserve it! I countered this in an acted lighthearted manner, stating: "Ya, sure! I keep hearing about wife batterers who tell women: 'I love you so much that I'll beat the shit out of you! I love you so much that, if you leave me, I'll kill you! And the kids!'" I then related this type of defective thinking to men who rape women and say: "I love you so much that I'll rape you! I love you so much that, because I know you want to be raped, I must rape you!" I was being deadly with this batterer, but it was necessary. The objective was to place him in a double bind so that he would stop battering one Calgary female.
A little later, I accidently asked him to read a chapter from a manuscript I was working on. It was a summary of the incredible violence so many men have traditionally inflicted on women. After he did and we discussed the issue, and I told him I knew about his battering activities when I had spoken to him about wife batterers being wimps. He admitted that my words had not only been effective but that he remembered the event well because it had made him so angry. In response, I reported what my objective had been: to make him stop the assaults, even if it meant activating a hatred for me and also putting myself at risk..
He was fascinated that someone - especially a gay male - would do something like this. I was also not a stereotype of what he believed gay males to be. Good communication was established, mostly because I told him about my former highly morbid heterosexuality, and he then began to talk about his problems. One fact concerning himself had especially troubled him. When he was angry with his girlfriend - which always reached the rage level and for which he would always blame her - he would have vivid visualizations of his hand reaching at her throat - inside her throat - and ripping it out. His great fear was that he would someday actually kill her.
In addition to being violent with women, he reporting often having violent impulses when be encountered a certain type of male. This feeling usually occurred when drinking in a bar and he saw a male thought to be stronger than himself. His impulse was to go over to him and start a fight so that the [threatening] male could be defeated. He always carried a baseball bat in the trunk of his car to take care of problems he might not be able to handle.
In a discussion about bodybuilding, he admitted doing this to be admired [loved] by men. He also believed that all bodybuilders were in love with the male body, but only with the ultra macho male body - which is a definite "gay" attribute well rendered in their pornography. In our culture, given the widespread belief that being homosexual is to somehow be "like a woman," and therefore "a wimp," bodybuilding may well be an extreme defense for males threatened by the dreaded suspicion - or denied knowledge - that they are homosexual. Through bodybuilding, they are telling themselves and others: "I can't be a fag! Fags are like women! I'm more masculine than most males! I therefore can't be a fuckin' fag!"
Having this information, I then questioned him in very direct ways given the strong suspicion that he must have somehow been receiving information from within concerning his homosexual desires. Without hesitation, he told me about a recurring dream in which a male stronger than him always forced him to perform oral sex. After admitting this, because he felt threatened, he quickly added: "But that doesn't mean anything, does it? I read books which said that straight guys can have homosexual dreams and that they don't mean anything."
I had also read such books, strongly disapproved of these conclusions, and decided to impart the good news. "Look at it this way," I said, "the most interesting fact about your dream is that it's your mind creating the situation where you are performing oral sex on a male. Although you never remember most of your dreams, your mind always makes sure you remember this one, on a repeated basis. Maybe this is the kind of sex you want, more than anything else." I then ventured into explaining his strong impulses to assault stronger males, especially in bars when he was drinking.
This was based on his fear of being homosexual - likely a fact that only a stronger male could force him to experience and accept. He was therefore a variant of the repressed homosexual macho males who only have sex with males when they drink alcohol. When drinking and on the road to being drunk, his homosexual desires would be activated but his repression was strong. Instead of acting on his desires, he wanted to destroy the individual making him suspect the dreaded truth about himself. For such males, wanting to be sexually dominant with a male is threatening, but wanting to be sexually "passive" - like a woman - as in accepting that he would enjoy performing oral sex on a male - results in nothing less than terror and/or great panic.
Finally, he talked about a snuff pornography film circulating among some of Calgary's male bodybuilders, but he reported not having liked it and gave the reason. The women in the film were "too drugged" and were therefore not feeling the pain they should have felt from what was being done to them. He had not liked it because it wasn't real enough! He was also sexually stimulated by rape pornography and usually watched pornography with a male friend before going to bars where they would "find women to fuck." He never used prostitutes because they cost money, and he didn't believe in paying women for sex. In other words, all the women he "fucked" - as it also applies for a significant number of heterosexual males - were to be given a "cheaper-than-a-prostitute" status.
Additional work was done with him but it takes more than four hours of invasive laser therapy to produce positive results with these men. In fact, without professional help of the kind probably not yet developed - because professionals still don't recognize what really motivates these men to be abusive - it will take him years of serious self-study before ever accepting his homosexual desires and acting accordingly. After all, it took me until I was 28 years old to finally accept my 100% homosexuality, and I had sex with males, as much and as often as I wanted, from the age of 8 to 18. Most males with a similar sexual history, however, do get married, have children (to prove they are not fags), and some of them may well be inflicting a life of misery on their families.
Many of these males would hate themselves because they know they are homosexual. They also hate women and must nurture this hatred to keep their heterosexuality alive given that doing this is their only defense against highly threatening homosexual desires. If these men are not sexually turned on by women, their psychological world of homosexual denial would crumble, and they make themselves believe they are "normal" even when having fantastic orgasms while visualizing the rape, rape-murder, and even the torture-killing of women. For some males, defending themselves against their homosexuality also involves inflicting as much violence as possible on women, or as much hatred as it's possible for them to label as "love."
The bodybuilding batterer with whom I was interacting had experienced his greatest socially induced terror - being a "passive" homosexual - which is also postulated to exist for "dominant" ultra macho violent males in prison. These men also have "traditional" family values such as hating homosexuals deemed to be "passive" (gender-based homohatred), and they have acquired the "traditional" male conviction that women are inferior to men. Women MUST BE inferior to men, and this perception was certainly a major factor in Marc Lepine's mind when he executed 14 women in Montreal in 1989. For these men, the evidence challenging their belief must either be destroyed or, as wife batterers do to "their woman" daring to assert her equality, she must be re-CREATED into what batterers think SHE IS and MUST BE!
Walker (1979) reported that batterers are in the "traditional" category but she was surprised that the sex occurring in battering relationships was far from being what she considered to be "traditional." Traditional men, however, are not what we were generally taught to believe as the result of the whitewashed education received while I growing up. Our forefathers were not saintly prudish individuals, nor did they have an "I-love-women" heterosexuality. Kinsey (1948) reported that about 70 percent of them had used female prostitutes (44: 597). These women were paid, as men do today, to do what was most sexually stimulating, but this type of sex, as prostitutes often report, has nothing to do with love.
Kinsey also reported that "for perhaps three-quarters of all males," and most of them were married, "orgasm is reached within two minutes after the initiation of sexual relations (44: 580). Other authorities on sex in marriage during this period had also made similar time estimates (38: 204). Furthermore, about 40 percent of married males - the most traditional and supposedly the more prudish - did not even remove their clothes to have sex with their wives (44: 366-367). If we now activate our visual mind to see these two-minute wonders having sex, it approximates two well known situations: men raping women and the "quickie" keep-your-clothes-on oral sex work now forming about 75 percent of the work done by female prostitutes.
Unfortunately, what we often believed about our "righteous" older male generations is a LIE. What most men were doing to women, including their wives, was not a reflection of love. It's more like hatred, also reflecting what these men were doing to women - denying women - socially and legally. They also hated homosexual males (deemed to be like women) and homosexual acts could be punished with the death penalty, life in prison, down to a few years in prison. Most mental health professionals also retained the LIES learned as children and they had translated their homohatred into the "mental disorder" label for homosexuals. Walker's delusion concerning "traditional" males and her ignorance of male heterosexualities can only hinder her ability to understand wife batterers, but her documentation of wife batterers is nonetheless very educational. She reports that battering relationships generally begin with normal sex but changes occur. "Good sex often turns into assaultive behavior." Generally, the sex is "kinky," which surprised her. "[Battered wives] reported some of the most unusual kinky sex that I heard about in my ten years of clinical psychology practice" (90: 118).
The demands for "kinky sex" were always made by the wife batterers, almost as if they "needed more variety or stimulation" for their sexual relationship "to become exiting" (90: 118). They would then become sexually stimulated and able to perform with a woman, as "David" also needed to do with his wife (74). Unfortunately, Walker did not relate this fact to her observation that these men often have "difficulty achieving and maintaining an erection," nor to the fact that many of these men are bisexual (90: 125). More of these men, however, would be classified "bisexuals" or "homosexuals" if professionals investigated this aspect of the batterer's psyche. Researchers generally do not seek sexual orientation data and they only report such information if it was a revealed attribute of the batterer. The assumption has been that wife batterers are heterosexual.
Walker summarized the "kinky sex" existing in battering relationships: "There is a significant frequent mention of animals, objects, third persons (usually other men), other couples, oral and anal sex, and unusual positions in sexual intercourse..." (90: 119). She does not explain this, however, probably due to her lack of education about male sexual realities. Some batterers, for example, will make a dog perform sex on their wives because doing this results in great sexual stimulation. Walker reports a woman's description of such an event repeatedly inflicted on her:
He would tie me up and force me to have intercourse with our family dog. The dog was a big German Shepherd ... After the dog would finish fucking me, then Jeff would get on top of me and mount me just like the dog did... It just seemed so disgusting to me, but somehow that used to just turn him on and excite him. In fact, I think he used to get his hardest hard-ons then (90: 120).Typically, it is said that wife batters treat their wives like dogs, sometimes corrected to: "Less than dogs!" Jeff was certainly living up to this "image" of his wife in a way few professionals would understand unless they had received a "prison sex" education. Given how "dominant" males process sexual information, we can easily recognize that the ones being penetrated are MADE inferior to the ones doing the penetration, and that Jeff was therefore reducing his wife to the "less than a dog" status by having the dog-penetrate her. Given that Jeff was in a battering / sexual abuse progression with his wife, and that his ultimate turn-on could be to kill his wife, such potential acts - if needed - would be made easier if less value is attributed to the victim. "We kill dogs, don't we? Killing dog just not murder."
"Dominant" males in prison are "repressed homosexuals" and the same element is manifested by wife batterers, but the attribute is only apparent if we know the history of male homosexual activity in our society. Wife batterers would have repressed sexual desires for males, thus explaining Walker's report that batterers wanted "mostly other men" to have sex with their wives. For repressed homosexuals, having a naked man so close to them would be sexually stimulating, and such situations essentially replicate the gang-bang situations previously explained in terms of its highly sexually stimulating "degradation of women" attribute and its great appeal for juvenile homo-active career delinquents who have believed themselves to be 100% heterosexual.
From my studies of people, myself, and from many reported case studies in the psychiatric literature, I have learned to be careful with conclusions related to peoples' motivations to do certain things. For example, Walker reports that "sexual jealousy is almost universally present in the battering relationship" (90: 114). Yet, "sexual jealousy" implies that the batterer is constantly imagining other men (certainly naked) having sex with his wife. When I was a repressed homosexual watching heterosexual pornography - often shown in many places at university - the focus was on the naked males in the film. Therefore, batterers who are repressed homosexual may not be "sexually jealous" because they love their wives. Instead, the "jealousy" response may be occurring because it permits them to satisfy repressed homosexual desires when they are visualizing naked men. Walker describes the situation.
Their wives are "often told that they are being sexually provocative to other men... because they secretly want to have an affair with someone else" (90: 115). This is, however, the batterer's fantasy. "In all cases ["of reported stories of sexual jealousy"], the batterer harassed the woman with detailed fantasies of what form the infidelities took." "The man would even adapt his irrational thinking to account for time problems by accusing the woman of short-term sexual behavior, such as oral sex that would take two or three minutes, rather than longer encounters" (90: 117, emphasis mine).The obsessive "sexual jealousy" of a wife batterer is part of the objective to MAKE his wife into the mental image he has of her. The objective is to MAKE her into "fuckin' whore, slut, pig, etc.," he has already accused her of being, or that he will surely accuse her of being given his fantasies of her sexual activities with other men. In fact, because he is escalating the sexual abuse, the jealousy permits him to fantasize anything he would want from her, accuse her of having enjoyed doing these things with other men, and then - as all good husband must do - he must now please her in the same way she sought to be pleased by other men!
Given her unfaithfulness, he righteously batters her, the underlying reason being the sexual stimulation resulting from this. The situation is also improving for him because using the "I'll make up for the battery by making love to you" LIE is becoming unnecessary. Now, given her activities with other men, "making love to her" must not be what she [he] wanted. He nonetheless has to win his wife back by competing with the man [men] she had sex with. As he begins doing this, he enters into fantasy. He is talking to his wife, in a mean way, and he emphasizes what "the whore, slut, pig, etc." has enjoyed doing with other men. She certainly does not now deserve having him ever make love to her again! He also must give her what she really wants and enjoys! This orchestrated situation now permits him to express the hatred be always felt for her, and the RAGE intimately associated with the sex he always wanted to inflict on her. There's also a bonus! As he is abusing her, his fantasies of the naked men she had sex with become more vivid. He's seeing their penises where his penis now is, and the situation has become a gang-bang type of sublimated homosexual activity.
"Sexual jealousy" also produces other benefits, especially for batterers who fantasize (desire) having their wives gang-banged, meaning that a repressed homosexual can now bring a man - who will be naked and close to him - into the sexual situation with his wife. Furthermore, the men will be of his choosing, the con being: he must now do this because his wife has been enjoying other men. The "other men," however, will be there for the batterer's pleasure and they will likely be the first to perform sexually on his wife, followed by himself who has orchestrated the situation so that his (blatant?) homosexual desires may be satisfied. When batterers do this, and they had been manifested sexual jealousy in the past, the sexual jealousy must have been unreal. It was fabricated with the above outcome in mind.
Other benefits of "sexual jealousy" will include batterers using the basic same con to bring an animal into the situation. When I was growing up, I often beard older males talking about women having sex with dogs. They explained that dogs could please a woman better than a man, and they would also accuse certain women in the community of doing this. Such a reality therefore validated thinking - fantasizing - about such form of sex not all that rare in the male heterosexual world. By the late 1960's, I had been exposed to heterosexual pornography viewed by men in groups and films featuring dogs having sex with women were common enough, even at university. Anita Hill had also reported that Clarence Thomas (now a U.S. Supreme Cout judge) had described such pornography to her.
A section of Nancy Friday's 1980 book is devoted to males reporting sexual fantasies involving animals. Dale's fantasy involved his wife who has become so demanding sexually that she has sex with "our German Shepherd... in every position possible," meaning that she will perform oral sex on the dog and also be both vaginally and anally penetrated by the dog. Dale is also not responsible for his fantasy because, in the fantasy, he has arranged the scenario so that it is his wife wanting this. His fantasy, however, only reveals his wife-related desires also manifested with a certain desperation. "In real life, I would give almost anything if this fantasy could be acted out" (26: 255). A wife batterer, on the other hand, could easily solve Dale's problem. He would jealously accuses his wife of having sex with the family dog and then demand that she be honest - after which she would be made to do everything he fantasized her doing with the dog. Is the use of animals an indication of "repressed homosexuality?"
When a sample is taken from the gay community, it is usually a sample of males who finally accepted their homosexual desires and are acting accordingly. In the Bell et al. (1981) study, about 20-percent of the males had been married and about 60 percent of them reported having had sex with women. Furthermore, 22 percent of the male studied reported having had sex with an animal while only 6 percent of heterosexual males reported such activities (09: 161). In Reiss' study of "organized career delinquents," there were 62 percent of the males who had "dominant sex" with "queers," indicating high levels of repressed homosexuality, and most of these males had also participated in gang-bangs. Reiss also reports that about 48 percent of career delinquents had also had sex with animals, while the rates for other delinquents were at least eight times lower (72: 202), or about 6 percent. Therefore, it could be said that, if a male has sex with an animal, there is a good chance that be is a repressed homosexual, or that he will eventually accept his homosexuality. Do wife batterers also have sex with the animal? To my knowledge, no one has studied this but, in the above cited case of the batterer who made the dog have sex with his wife, "he would... hump the dog" as the dog was having sex with his wife (90: 120).
For wife batterers, society's "traditional" belief that it was "the demon alcohol" causing men to batter their wives was a God send. and the belief in the "jealousy" reason has been an even greater blessing. It has permitted batterers to believe that "jealousy" is a valid and expected common human emotion, that it is therefore not their fault, and that outcomes resulting from the jealousy are natural and are not to be questioned. They are also not to blame for their fantasies of men being sexually serviced by their wives, thus making possible their innocent visualizations of naked men, always with a focus on their genitals. These "fantasy" men, however, are of the batterer' choosing, and the same applies whenever they get another male to have sex with their wives.
Batterers have been viciously MAKING their wives into the mental images they have of these women, this being the woman existing only in their minds. Therefore, their fantasies of their wives sexual activities with other men are nothing more than fantasies of what their inner woman would want. For example, if it was the previously described bodybuilding batterer who was "sexually jealous" - and he was, but I did not explore this aspect of the relationship - his fantasy of his girlfriend performing oral sex on males would be easy to understand after having learned about the recurring dream in which he is performing oral sex on a male. He would therefore be the one wanting what he is imposing (inflicting) on his wife.
Obtaining such information from wife batterers is not easy and the work needed to understand these men is not being done by professionals because they are generally clueless about how batterers' minds work, especially because their sexuality involved. This is predictable, however, given the summary statement made by William Masters at the Sixth World Sexology Congress held in Washington, D. C. in 1983: "We don't know anything" about "human sexuality" (69: 108). Nonetheless, considerable information has been acquired over the years and, even though we may not understand what causes various sexual orientations, we have information about gay males and lesbians, and we also have considerable information about thinking patterns and behaviors manifested by repressed homosexuals.
When dealing with wife batterers in the "repressed homosexual" category it is important to recognize that they generally produce a self-image, both in society and even in their personal lives, which is the opposite of reality. They also produce reasons to explain their behavior which are outright lies, or the "because" in their explanation must be reversed to see the truth. For example, many professionals are now wiser and recognize that batterers do not batter because they drink alcohol. They drink alcohol to batter and to also create an explanation for the battery so that they will not have to address the real motives. This use of the alcohol reason replicates the situation where men did not have sex with a male because they were drunk. They got drunk to have the kind of sex they really wanted.
In addition to the "alcohol" reason for battery, batterers may also report battering their wives "because I love her." When the nature of the benefits derived from the battering is recognized - such as curing his impotence and the resulting "homosexual panic" - it becomes apparent that the batterer loves his wife because he can batter her. In fact, he has a desperate need (love) to batter her which must increase as he is progressively MAKING his wife into the inner woman he has failed to destroy in himself. The ritual-like killing of this woman is now being carried out via projection, and a murder may actually result from the situation.
Wife batterers would say - maybe even believe - that they are jealous because they love their wives, but they love their wives because she permits them to be jealous, to then fantasize about naked men, and also avoid seeing what really motivates these fantasies. Jealousy also permits them to increasingly MAKE their wives into whatever they are desperately needed to be, and this may include bringing other men into the situation. All of this will also not (never) be their fault! Batterers must also lie, such as telling their wives, after the battery, "I want to show you that I love you by making love to you."
Wife batterers (or other men) who are sexually abusing their young sons are also lying when they are saying: "Having sex with a boy is normal because a young boy is much like a girl." In such cases their homophobia is blatant given that they have ventured into having sex with males. Their reasoning, however, produces an important insight related to batterers (and other men) who sexually abuse their young daughters, although they would never give anyone - including themselves - this explanation. They may be sexually abusing their daughters because this is as close to having sex with a male as they will permit themselves to experience. They are having sex with a young girl because little girls are much like little boys. This would apply for all repressed homosexual males who are sexually abusing young girls.
Wife batterers are experts at CREATING situation permitting them inflict whatever they want on their wives and their children. For example, when batterers explain having sexually abused their children only because their wives were not sexually available, this is basically the same con used by men in prison to explain why they are having sex with men: "because women are not available." Men do not enjoy having sex with men or children - which produces great orgasms and repeat performances - because women are not available! Furthermore, an investigation of what these men inflicted on their wives produced the recognition that they CREATED the situation which made sex with their children possible. The batterer is always on the road to somewhere and whatever he is doing at the time is sort of what he wants to do. Therefore, when they are sexually abusing children, this is what they desire at the time, but they also must make sure their children will remain silent, so that their sexual availability will be retained. To accomplish this, the children are often told to not tell anyone because it could ruin the family, and they may also be threaten with murder, the murder of their mother, or even with the murder of a pet.
It is therefore suspected that, in many cases where men kill their wives and children, or just their wives - an event often happening if she is threatening to take the children and leave him, or if she has done this - the motive for such murders may be rooted in a great fear (terror) that the sexual abuse of a child (or children) will be discovered and made public. Most batterers could accept others discovering their battering activities, but they would panic at the thought of their "big secret" becoming known. As a result of this terror, probably exacerbated by the likelihood of a trial and a prison sentence, they may then implement their murder threats.
Batterers may also kill their wives as the end result of the battery, thus essentially implementing their ultimate sexual fantasy. In this case, the "projection" process produces what they could not do to their inner woman. Other batterers kill their wives, especially if these women threaten to leave, or have left, because - so they say - they cannot live without her. This is true, but it is not for the reasons generally assumed. These men have invested an incredible amount of time and effort to CREATE these women into what they must be, if these men are to continue sexually performing with a woman and therefore ward off their ever-threatening repressed homosexual desires.
These men would also know they cannot go out and do whatever they must - what they were doing to their wives, or worse - to another woman. Men who meet women, beat them up, and then sexually abuse them - rape them - as batterers often do to their wives, know they would then be hunted down and sent to prison for years. Traditionally, however, little has happened to men if they did the same thing to their wives. Batterers would know their sexual needs and, because the threatened loss of their wives would be creating incredible [homosexual] panic, a sense of total desperation could easily result at the thought of not anymore being able to ward off their highly threatening homosexuality. This fear would consume them and they may end up killing their wives and even themselves.
Fortunately, even if many wife batterers threaten their wives with murder, few have lived up to their desperation motivated threats. For reasons still unexplained by professionals, however, many batterers have attributed such an incredible value to their wives that their murder - and possibly their own suicide - is contemplated at the thought of losing their ownership of, and access to, this particular woman. This is not love! It is desperation and panic rooted in the factor being proposed and outlined in this section.
Batterers in the "repressed homosexual" category are destroying themselves and others in a desperate attempt to deny or ward off their homosexual desires. They hate women because they hate their own inner woman: the one they failed to destroy. She is giving these men no rest and they generally remain clueless concerning their inner selves and therefore why they are compelled to abuse and even destroy their wives. Somehow, whatever they feel like doing must be done, at all costs, and they must also develop the logic system needed to avoid recognizing the [homosexual] implications embodied in their desires and acts. Although this may appear to be incredible, the validity of this explanation is increased when the effects of homosexual desires on male adolescents have been studied. For male youth who cannot deny their homosexual desires, about 20 to 35 percent of them would be attempting suicide most often during the stage Schneider (1989) called: "I don't want to be gay" (83: 9-84).
As a society, we have constructed a formidable anti-homosexual (homohating) force in the minds of youth that many males recognizing their homosexual desires will opt for death. What else, therefore, could this force be causing males to do? What would (could) their minds orchestrate to also avoid seeing their homosexuality, given that a survival instinct apparently exists? "Dominant" males in prison are doing whatever is necessary to survive and, in the prison situation, they have been revealing great secrets about the male mind. In fact, they are telling us that, as much as they hate women, they must also hate men to experience sexual gratification. In the final analysis, however, they hate themselves because - like wife batterers - they have been rendered incapable of either loving themselves, or anyone else. Hatred is all they appear to know, or have come to know, and they are an expected product of our "traditional" teaching of sexism and the associated homohatred.
As much as homosexuality is a social construction, the same also applies to wife battery which has a long history given that, about 1600 years ago, St. Augustine was addressing the issue. He had seen many wives "disfigured" by their husbands, but be believed husbands assaulted their wives in such ways because they "used to gossip and complain of the behavior of their menfolk." St Augustine - a repressed homosexual who appears on all list of famous homosexuals in history - also believed and taught a concept propagated by his mother (the Norman Mailer type of mother): she was advising battered women to "remember their condition and not defy their masters" (22: 58-59). His mother was also made into a saint by the Roman Catholic Church, possibly because a patron saint of wife batterers was needed. She therefore permitted men to continue battering their wives, and to blame the battering on women also mandated to keep the secret, or their "woman's tongue" would surely give their husbands yet another reason to batter them!
Scratch a wife batterer or the young career criminal - and we will likely find RAGE: a hatred for almost everyone, and especially a deep hatred for themselves. Scratch a little more and we may discover incredible pain: the pain of never having been loved. This is, however, the same pain causing some homosexual males to become openly gay - to be real - and to also be saying: "Better to be hated for what I am than to be loved for what I'm not." A heavy price is also paid for making this statement. They will often be insulted and ridiculed, may be shunned by their families and their church, and they may even be physically assaulted, severely injured, and even murdered. It was only about 25 years ago - 1969 in Canada - that our society stopped punishing gay males with imprisonment made possible with the "criminal" label, and psychiatrists had implemented other forms of abuse with their "mental disorder" label dropped only in 1973-74.
Gay individuals are survivors of the socially taught homohatred they have often internalized, and they are survivors of society's acted out homohatred. An incredible amount of courage and integrity is also needed in our society for males to ever be "like a woman," or to be homosexual; this is everything society decrees to be "the worst thing a male could become," as so well stated by Dr. Ziegler (93). This is everything we were taught to hate if, as males, we dared to keep our "child" (feminine) attributes. Unfortunately, the courage, strength, and integrity needed to not have betrayed oneself is still poorly (not?) understood by most mental health professionals who have traditionally believed that only heterosexual males had such attributes.
As a rule, mental health professionals looked at homosexuals and said things like: "Given all the penalties existing in our society for males who are homosexual, it's obvious that all male who live as a homosexual must be mentally disordered." Even today, we are generally incapable of recognizing that the "sissy" boy and "faggot" adolescent has great courage, strength, and integrity. We also fail to recognize that the real wimps in any society are the males who BECOME whatever their society demands them to be by saying, in numerous ways: "OR WE'LL HARM AND EVEN DESTROY YOU!"
These ultra wimps are in prisons
assaulting an raping physically weaker males. They are on our streets (often
in groups) seeking out visibly gay males - usually the physically weaker
ones - to assault and even kill. They are also everywhere acting out what
our movies - our society - has deemed to be "macho" and therefore "not
homosexual." These men may also be observed in their homes assaulting
and sexually abusing physically weaker individuals. These are the wife
batterers who were CREATED by our "traditional" male
ruled societies to do what most other men did to women in many ways - including
through the enactment of laws. Female humans were believed to be inferior
to the males who did everything imaginable to MAKE
their fantasy into reality.