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TO: An Understanding Of Wife Battery
Presented to The Action Committee Against Violence City of Calgary
For Easier printing: Document in Two Parts!

A Gay Wife 'Batterer'

Homophobia creates numerous problems for most gay males, but some women are also paying a heavy price for society's continued highly effective teaching of homohatred to children. This happens, for example, when gay male youth are sexually using girls to prove to themselves and others that they are normal: NOT HOMOSEXUAL! as they know they are. Much greater abuse occurs when these males target women for marriage because they are experiencing varying degrees of socially induced self-hatred yielding repression and denial of their homosexual orientation. They are desperately attempting to be the "normal" males society has dictated they should/must be, and they set out to play the required "game" to avoid punishments and to also reap rewards.

The mainstream media rarely supplies information about the nature of these relationships, except for reporting on how abused and betrayed wives feel when they discover their husbands' homosexual orientation. Recently, the Calgary Herald published an article written by a woman who learned, very early in her marriage, about her husbands sexual orientation. Her distress was a significant aspect of the article titled "How many men feel the same way as David?"

David told Joanna Richards (a pen-name) that he "had spent his stag night trying to get his best man into bed," and this was the same male with whom he had been sexually active before he decided to marry Joanna. She now had a gay husband suffering from "guilt and self-loathing," this often being a common attribute of gay males before they fully accept their sexual orientation, come out of the closet, deal with their socially induced self-hatred, and other related problems.

David's "homosexual" problem now involves another person to whom he has said the equivalent of: "Welcome to my nightmare, but it's not my fault! I thought the sex I had with him was just a phase, and I'm desperately trying to be normal. Heterosexual! I also need your help!" Joanna listened and, in some ways, she is lucky. Most repressed homosexual males who marry women never reveal their homosexual history, much less their ongoing sexual desires (preference?) for males. As a rule, however, women - or professionals - are not schooled to detect repressed homosexuality in males, but one indicator sign would be impotence problems with women. Joanna attempted to help David in this respect.

Sometimes he would tell me about his fantasies and, at my own request, we even tried to incorporate them into our sex life. It was hot stuff at times but dangerous. Fantasies are fine but not if they are substitutes for what you really want. We did untold damage to our love-making. We avoid sex almost completely now. It makes things easier (74).
Sadly, nothing graphic - real - sexually will be published in newspapers, but read between the lines is possible. Whatever they did sexually - to do "untold damage to [their] lovemaking" is obviously not what Joanna considered to be "lovemaking," but it was "hot stuff and dangerous." Therefore, the demands may have been for the kind of sex often occurring in gay "leather sex" where such non-love sexual activity is engaged in with consent and because it reflects the participants' sexual reality. Unfortunately, Joanna had been living a delusion given that she believed David was "making love" to her at some time in their relationship. Yet, the informed would assert that he had always used her as a substitute for a desired male or males. He was only CREATING the illusion of "making love" to her.

Joanna nonetheless has been a willing wife in a situation where many women would not be "willing," and most would certainly fail to understand why their husbands are making anti-"making-love" demands on them, or why these men may also be imposing this type of sex without consent. Fortunately, David had been honest, and was the exception. Most married men who know they prefer men would never tell their wives why "kinky" dangerous sex is being requested. Some women, however, have little choice but to accept the "kinky sex" their husbands inflict on them, nor would they come close to knowing what is their husbands' motivation. Some men do these things to their wives also without knowing why the "kinky sex" is needed to perform sexually with a woman.

What therefore is the difference between a "David" who does "untold damage" to what his wife considers to be "love-making" and repressed homosexual husbands who essentially do the same thing when they rape or sexually abuse their wives? Or when they must beat up their wives to make sexual stimulation possible? Does David love his wife? Does Joanna really believe she is loved when knowing she is just a substitute for the male(s) David wants? Most women with a "David" husband do not know who their husbands really are, thus explaining the silence of many husbands when asked: "What's wrong dear!" Husbands with a "homosexual" problem will generally be silent. The same applies to males secretly having sex with other males, and for males who are beginning to hate their marriage because they know they want (need?) a relationship with another male. It is very difficult for them to tell their wives the truth about their lives having been a delusion: A LIE! Many men in such situations would also have great difficulty accepting this self-reality because they may be living in denial of their homosexual desires, often enough not knowing why they are so unhappy or even angry with their marital situation.

Men who hate themselves have little to offer anyone in a love relationship with them. In fact, when we offer what we hate - ourselves - to someone we claim to love, our love must be unreal, or just as fraudulent as David's "love" had been for Joanna. At best, his marriage was a form of psychological abuse, and the same applies to his honesty likely needed to reduce a high level of guilt.

Joanna is nonetheless fortunate given the knowledge acquired and the recognition that her husband is responsible for the problems. She is therefore not blaming herself for a failed marriage, even though she remains in the four-year marriage and blames herself only for not having left him. Without cause, however, except for her female status, she was MADE into a player in David's socially created nightmare, just like many women have become a part of the nightmares being imposed on them - and acted out - by other males with homosexual desires. Joanna has refused to participate in the "kinky sex" required by David to sexually perform with her because she knows why it's needed. She also recognizes herself to not be the one David wants given her substitute status for a male he desires. Not all women in such a situations, however, have been empowered with the knowledge needed to understand their husbands.

David is a wife batterer in some ways given the abuses inflicted on his wife. He is, in fact, what I was even in my very equality-based relationships with women, except that "kinky sex" was not needed to perform sexually with a woman. At the age of 22, when I had experienced my first romantic love response for a male, I was inches away from marrying my girlfriend, but wisdom prevailed. She eventually married a psychologist, not knowing he was gay. At the wedding reception a male who knew him well commented: "Well, you won't be able to sleep with men anymore!" As I learned about two years later, he has no intentions of giving up the males he preferred, and his weekend were reserved for such endeavors.

At the age of 28, when I was about to fully accept my 100 percent homosexual status (defined differently that most contemporary professionals do), the woman I was living with became pregnant. Fortunately, she agreed to having an abortion, meaning that "homosexuality" is a factor in the abortion rate. Yet, all of this, including David's self-hatred and Joanna's ruined marriage, could have been avoided if we had been told, as adolescents: "It's okay to be gay. We won't hate and punish you if you prefer to be in a same-sex relationship and if you are honest. It is important to be proud of your love because the alternative may be catastrophic - not only for you but for others...," as it will now be explored.
 

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